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Question

I have a child in my preschool class who entered in the middle of the year and who is very shy. It's been a whole month now, and I still can't get him interested in playing with other children or any activities in the class. Any suggestions?

Dr. Katz
As long as the child does not seem to be in deep pain but is just standing on the sidelines watching the others without joining in, then occasional reassurances that you are there when he needs help are useful first steps.

Reassure the child that you're there to help.

For example, it often helps to say to the child, in a private conversation, something like "Maybe you are not ready to play with the others yet. It's OK for you to watch them until you get used to things around here. But when you do feel ready to join in, and you want my help, just let me know." Or you might say, "If there's something that's holding you back from joining in, just let me know." This way, the child does not feel pushed or pressured to join in with the others. This kind of reassurance often helps young children to relax; then gradually, without even realizing it, they become part of the life of the class.

Remember that shyness means feeling nervous or anxious around folks you don't know yet, and it usually includes being afraid that these strangers will not like you or want you around. Shy children often watch closely what is going on around them until they figure out which classmates will be easy to get along with, and which classmates to avoid for a while longer.

Resist putting pressure on a shy child to join in.

Sometimes adults nag shy children in their efforts to get them to step into action with others. My mother used to say, "What's the matter? The cat got your tongue?" and I never knew how to answer that question! And it only made me feel guilty about being shy! Under pressure, some shy children just dig in their heels and back away from the group even further. By saying, "when you feel ready" you are making way for the child to take the first step himself or herself of coming to the teacher when he or she feels ready.

Suggest phrases the child could use.

Sometimes, depending on the age of the child, it helps to suggest phrases to use. The teacher can say something like "When you feel ready to join in with others, you can just come to me (or one of the other teachers?)" and say "Teacher, can you help me? I want to play with X and Y in the housekeeping corner. Then I'll be glad to help work it out with X and Y."

Pair a shy child with a calm and confident member of the class.

In some cases of shyness, it helps to form a pair by asking another child in the class-not the most lively or popular one, but someone with good self-control-to share responsibility for a simple short-term task with the shy child. It might be something like carrying an envelope with a message in it to the director's office (along with the assistant teacher). Or it might be a short-term task like picking out specific books in the book corner and bringing them to you together.

Express your appreciation for the help of another child.

It helps to talk to the non-shy member of the pair-in a sincere and matter-of-fact and not gushing way-about how much you appreciate his or her working with the shy one and helping the child to feel more comfortable in the class. It helps to describe the shy child to others as one who "isn't used to things around here yet" rather than to label her as shy.

Keep in mind that whenever you make clear to others how you are trying to help a child in the class to deal with his or her discomfort, the helpers are also learning that, when they need help, you will be there for them too. In fact, in many cases, you can say that to the child whose help you are asking for by saying something like "I really want you to help so-and-so to feel more comfortable in our class. And if you ever need help with something like that, I'll be here for you too." This is a way of helping quite young children to begin to develop a sense of fairness. Fairness means that each person is helped as needed-not that all are treated alike.

Keep in mind also that research shows that about 80% of all of us were somewhat shy as young children and that we gradually learned to cope with our shyness over time. Note also that it is a good idea for young children to be a bit shy around strangers. That behavior happens because they have developed trust of those they really know. Any child who would go equally eagerly or easily to any total stranger is a child who should be observed more closely. Such behavior may indicate a serious problem.

When distress seems severe, take action.

On the other hand, if the child is so shy that she is deeply unhappy most of the time, and not just passively standing by and watching, then there are several steps to take.

The first one is to ask a family member or trusted caretaker to whom the child is attached to spend extended time in the classroom with the child-perhaps a half-an-hour-each morning for about a week. This caretaker should be encouraged to be calm and to reassure the child that she understands feeling shy in a new situation with so many new children, and that she knows that it takes a couple of days to get used to it. The caretaker or parent can also say to the child that the staff is there every day to help the child get used to so many new things. Any hint of scolding or nagging would only make things worse. The tone should be one of confident understanding, not of disappointment in the child.

If a child's distress still seems to be acute after a week or 10 days, it might be a good idea to get the advice of a specialist in children's emotional development, such as a social worker or psychologist with good experience in these matters. It would be a good idea for a teacher to document the behavior of a child who seems extremely or severely shy. Documentation gives the teacher something to share with the parents, the director, the social worker or psychologist, and other concerned persons.

Resources on Shyness

• Working with Shy or Withdrawn Students
  http://ceep.crc.uiuc.edu/eecearchive/digests/1996/brop-s96.html
• Helping Young Children Overcome Shyness
  http://www.une.edu.au/bcss/psychology/john-malouff/shyness.php
• What if a Lion Won't Roar? Ways Teachers Can Help Young Students
  overcome shyness
  http://www.une.edu.au/psychology/staff/academicstaff/malouffshystudent.php
• How Can Teachers Help Shy Students?
  http://www.educationworld.com/a_curr/curr267.shtml