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May 2009How Do Family Mealtimes and Other Daily Routines Enhance a Child's Well-Being?Barbara Fiese

I often read about the importance of having regular mealtimes as a family. I understand how planned family mealtimes can contribute to healthy eating (if the meals are healthy!). I have a harder time understanding how regular family mealtimes contribute to children’s academic achievement and emotional health. Can you explain that?

This is a very important question. It is not always intuitively obvious how mealtimes can be associated with such diverse outcomes as academic achievement and emotional well-being. They probably come from two different aspects of regular mealtimes: the verbal richness of mealtime conversations and the expectation for emotional support that often comes from regular and predictable mealtimes.

Let’s first think about the verbal richness of mealtime conversations. Researchers have been collecting mealtime talk for over 20 years. One of the things they have found is that new words are often introduced into mealtime conversations that build children’s vocabulary. We know that a strong vocabulary is important for later academic success so this may just be one of the ways that mealtimes contribute to later school success.

In terms of emotional well-being, the research is more indirect. We know from observing mealtime interactions that families who provide direct and clear communications during mealtimes and provide emotional support have children that have fewer behavior problems and are overall more emotionally healthy. Of course, this may just be that families who communicate well during mealtimes are supportive in other parts of daily life. What we have observed in some of our mealtime recordings is that children often bring up emotionally sensitive topics during mealtimes as a “safe place.” Parents can then decide whether this is a good time to talk about being bullied at school or receiving a disappointing grade, or if it would be better to talk about the incident at a more private time.

There is a considerable age spread among my three children: 2, 6, and 11 years. It is a challenge to get all five of us to sit at the table for more than 10 minutes and engage in any meaningful conversation. Do you have any advice for creating a positive and meaningful mealtime environment?

This is indeed a challenge that many parents face. The first thing to do is realize it IS a challenge and not expect everyone to attend and behave in the same way. The 2-year-old may only have attention for 10 minutes and need to wander off with a crayon and coloring book nearby for the rest of the meal. For the 6- and 11-year-old, they are old enough to have roles like setting the table, helping with meal planning, and even helping out in the kitchen. When children are more invested in the meal itself, they often find it more appealing to participate in mealtimes and look forward to it as a family event.

What do you see as possible solutions when the parents (living in the same house) do not agree about household routines—even about the need for routines (such as having established mealtimes)? 

Oftentimes this comes from different experiences that the parents had as children growing up. It is important for parents to talk about the different types of experiences they had and what beliefs they hold about routines and the role they play in children’s health and well-being. For some parents, the lack of routines in their own upbringing may be due to distressing circumstances where it was difficult to be together as a family. It is important to recognize these past events and then plan for ways that things can be different today. Parents can sit down and have a family meeting to talk about how to start incorporating routines into daily life. Sometimes parents need to start slowly with bedtime and weekend routines.

Do children receive the same benefit from regular routines in a family child care setting as they do at home? If so, how can a family child care provider create meaningful routines when children’s attendance schedules vary from day to day and week to week?

Great question! Routines are a very important part of early childhood development, so they should also be an important part of any child care setting, including family child care settings. Family child care providers can create meaningful routines by creating special places for children (a drawer, a basket, or a shelf) to keep their belongings so they know they have a location routine when they arrive. Child care providers also can provide regular greeting routines that welcome the child—for example, singing a song at the beginning of the day. Routines around eating are also important, like saying please and thank you and assigning roles (setting the table, passing out cups, cleaning up). The key to these routines is that the child has a place and a role away from his or her home.

What are some of the reasons that routines are connected to learning, health, and relationships with other people? Just what makes routines so important?

Routines are thought to have three basic elements: continuity, commitment, and communication. The continuity refers to the fact that routines happen again and again, so there is an element of practicing what you are learning and reinforcing relationships over time. Commitment to a routine assures that relationships will be there over the long haul, which gives family members a sense of security and the feeling that they belong to an important group. Communication happens in most routines, so you know what is going on with others—parents keep track, emotions are shared, and sensitive topics can be revealed. All together, that is why routines are densely packed events!

Could you please clarify what you mean by routines that are meaningful?

This is why routines are different from habits. A meaningful routine is one where there is a personal connection to the behavior—or set of behaviors—and oftentimes strong emotions are evoked. For example, you may have the habit of brushing your teeth every day, but there are not strong emotions attached to it, you don’t build relationships from it, and it is not necessarily a part of your personal identity. One way to know whether a routine has become meaningful or not is whether you would miss it if you stopped practicing it and whether you think about it in positive ways at times when you are not practicing it.

How do I convince my son's elementary school principal that having a "no talking at all" rule during the entire lunch period is not developmentally appropriate for first-graders?

This is a question from a parent who knows first-graders—active, inquisitive, and eager to get to lunch! The school principal is likely faced with a lunch period unlike what the parent experienced as a first-grader, as the lunchroom also serves as the gym and auditorium—affectionately called the “cafetorium.” Scheduling school lunches is often wedged between the multiple demands of the school day—the principal is probably also attending to the academic, social, and physical needs of children.

One approach is to highlight the benefits of school lunch time that can relieve and meet the needs of the principal and school. For example, schools are very aware of the physical health needs of their children. A recent study demonstrated that having cafeteria staff asking whether children wanted a piece of fruit or juice with their meal increased the likelihood of fruit consumption. In the same way, having children talking at the lunch table allows for creating friendships and social support that can’t occur in the classroom.

An often overlooked aspect of school lunch time is the support for children who are experiencing food insecurity. For many children, lunch is the only regular meal that they receive during the day. To have this meal in silence prevents the social exchange that has proven to be beneficial for academic achievement and prevention of behavior problems in children.

My husband and I are just not routine people—and it has worked for us for years. I am beginning to wonder if it is negatively affecting our child. Is it such a bad thing not to have any real routines except how we get ready for the day each morning during the week? 

I guess I would question whether you really do not have any routines or if you’re just fairly flexible. For example, do you have regular ways that you greet each other when someone comes home or regular ways that you say goodnight when your child goes to sleep? This discussion has attended to mealtime routines as one form of family routines, but there are many others. In one of my earlier studies, our team interviewed over a hundred families with young children about their routines and traditions. The catalogue could have easily been over a hundred routines and traditions. Some had to do with first haircuts, sending birthday cards, taking the dogs to the park, picking nicknames, to name a few. The point is that each family finds a way to organize their lives that includes activities that they look forward to, includes everyone, and—over time—holds meaning and provides an opportunity to communicate. Perhaps you have your own unique routines.

When I insist that we all eat a meal together, I cannot seem to get my children to talk. When I try to bring up topics or ask questions, I get only brief answers. They seem in a hurry to eat and get back to their friends or television program. Any suggestions?

Some of this may be because of the age of your children or the timing. First, are the children involved in the planning of the meal? If they feel that they are being forced to eat together, then they may resist. Of course, pizza every night is not an option. If they are involved in some of the planning, then at least the conversation can start with the taste (good or bad) of the meal.

Another strategy is to start a routine in the conversation itself. Two questions to ask at every meal are “What was the good part of the day?” and “What was the bad part of the day?” Kids can have the choice of not answering one of the questions if they don’t want to, but they have to answer at least one. The other option is to ask about groups that your child regularly connects with—“What is a good thing and what is a bad thing that happened in the neighborhood/school/team?”

How early would you suggest trying to include a child in family meals and/or introduce routines to a child? With an infant and a toddler, I feel that there are days when chaos is my routine!

This is truly an important question—how to kick-start family routines. Several years ago, my colleague Karen Hooker and I studied family routines in the early years of parenthood. One of the things we found was that, for most families, the early parenting years (birth to toddler years) are focused on routines related to getting the child’s sleeping and eating patterns regulated. Most time and attention are dedicated to getting children to sleep through the night, having somewhat regular times to wake up and go to bed, and introducing finger foods into their diets. Of course, this has to be folded into other family routines such as work schedules, school schedules of other older children, and, when time allows, leisure schedules. No wonder there are days when chaos is the rule rather than the exception!

Once the child is of preschool age, he or she is typically ready to be a part of family mealtime routines (at least for part of the time). One way to get young children involved in family mealtimes is to assign them a role. For young children, this may be helping older children set the table, helping to make the salad, or picking out one meal a week to be the “assistant chef.” This takes some planning and patience because young children are not the cleanest of helpers, but they are often the most enthusiastic! These are also good times to reinforce new hand-eye coordination skills like pouring, to introduce new words into their vocabulary like broccoli or panini, and to explore simple math concepts like more and less.   

I've worked with many families that are headed by just one person. Are there any pointers regarding routines that you think are especially helpful to people in that position? Many of them struggle just to get the children fed, bathed, and into bed after a work day.

Single-adult households face many challenges, including planning and managing daily routines. Very often single-adult households also experience added challenges such as coordinating transportation schedules and being the sole homework monitor, part-time health care provider, and coach. Depending on the age of the children, it may be helpful to find different roles that the children can play to help in creating routines that are meaningful for the whole family while reducing some of the strains and burdens for the adult. This may mean that one night of the week is set aside as pizza night or cereal night. In this way, pizza or cereal for dinner becomes a treat rather than a default.

There are some indications in the research that some single-parent households use television watching together as a regular routine to reduce stress for the parent and as a way to share activities. It is certainly understandable how this could become a default activity for weary adults. However, there is a downside to this activity. There is fairly strong evidence linking increased television viewing to increased rates of childhood obesity. The exact reason for this link is fairly complex, but reduced physical activity and the tendency to eat more while watching TV are likely culprits. Parents who want to share television viewing as a routine with their children should be mindful of what is on the plate!

Do we know how regular family routines affect adolescent development? Are children who grow up with the kinds of family routines you talk about better adjusted as adolescents? 

This is an area where we have some fairly strong evidence suggesting that teens who grow up in households with regular and predictable family routines fare better in terms of grades, reduced risk of substance abuse, and less sexual risk taking. There is also evidence that teens who regularly have dinner with their families (4 or more times per week) have fewer mental health problems. Of course, these studies are correlational—that is, they only link the frequency of mealtimes and routines with adolescent development—we cannot say that family routines cause healthy adolescent development. However, we can speculate why families who practice regular routines are more likely to have adolescents who do better overall.

First, routines provide an opportunity to monitor behavior. Mealtime conversations often include a “checking in” on what’s happening during the day or week. Thus, it is possible to keep track of what is going on in the adolescent’s life, and we know that parental monitoring (without being intrusive) is one of the key markers of positive parenting during this phase of development. Second, families who practice regular routines also provide a setting and opportunity where sensitive topics can be discussed. It is difficult to “schedule” a time to talk about troubling events. If, however, the family regularly gathers together, then the teen knows ahead of time that there will be opportunities if they want to bring up something that is bothering them in a safe environment. Third, our own research has demonstrated that families who practice routines that are meaningful and provide a sense of security and belongingness to the teen also foster a stronger sense of identity for teens. This may seem counterintuitive, as we often think of the teen years as a time for adolescents to break away from the family to create their own sense of self. Yet, in order to do this, they need a firm foundation, which is often formed in the security of the family.

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