Ask an Expert

Transcript

April 2007

Karen Stephens, M.S. in Education, specializing in early childhood

I have a 4-year-old boy, Sean, in my child care center who is a loner. Sean enjoys a variety of activities and interests, but he seems to prefer to do things alone, without other children nearby. Should I be concerned that Sean doesn’t seem to have any friends?

By age 4 years, Sean should be showing some interest in playing with others at some time. If his preference is to play alone a lot, that isn’t necessarily concerning. If he is unable to play with others, routinely rejects friendships, or never wants to be around others, then there is cause for concern.

Some children’s in-born temperament makes them inclined to prefer solitary activity over group interaction. Intelligence can also be a factor. While children of all intelligence levels can form friendships, children who vary significantly from the norm might have fewer kindred spirits than others. For instance, sometimes very gifted children—whether gifted artistically, mathematically, or scientifically—tend to have an extraordinary ability to concentrate. In fact, they can focus to the extent of “tuning” out the outside world at times. Their solitary focus on learning and discovery may appear to be a social preference, but often it is just a different learning style for curious minds that are often functioning in high gear.

I hope the answers to the questions below can give you some ideas for helping Sean to expand his social world.

I have a 4-1/2-year-old girl, Abby, in my family child care program who has many “friends.” Abby has a very domineering personality and likes to be in charge whenever a group of children is gathered together. Abby often threatens to end friendships with others if they don’t do what she wants (for example, let her have the best dress-up clothes, use the best markers for drawing, sit on the desirable bean bag chairs at story time). Other children typically yield to Abby’s demands because they want to remain her “friend.” Should I intervene or let the other children figure out that Abby’s behavior is unacceptable?

In this situation, it would be helpful for you as teacher to help all the children understand their rights and how their behavior impacts others. In general, avoid dictating behavior, but do comment on what you observe to express your views on ethical behavior. Your comments can help all children figure out their emotions. From there, they can decide how they choose to behave.

To the children whom Abby uses emotional blackmail on, you can calmly reassure them that they don’t have to let Abby “boss” them around. Validate their right to play with items and to make decisions. Tell them that it is okay for them to say “no” to others if they don’t like how they are treated.

You can state confidently so all children can hear that no one in the classroom has the right to try to “trick” others into being their friend. You can also say that the toys don’t belong to any one person, so no one has the right to keep them from others.

You can also help children create play themes where everyone gets a turn to be leader or follower—or to play with a favorite toy. For instance, the children can play circus during which they take turns being the ringmaster. At music, play orchestra so children can take turns being the conductor. If one child tries to rule out another’s chance at a turn, re-state whose turn it is and expect cooperation.

To Abby, you can comment on your observations. You can tell her that her behavior appears to hurt others’ feelings when she threatens not be to their friend. Help her think of other ways that she can feel important in the play groups.

And, of course, whenever you observe Abby dealing ethically with others in play, take the opportunity to recognize her growth. Also, congratulate other children as they learn to stand up for their own rights.

Why is it important for young children to have friends? We want children at younger and younger ages to excel in academics and in sports and now in social settings. Isn’t this just one more stress we place on young children?

Friendship skills are not something we want to pressure children to “excel in” per se. We do hope they acquire social competence so it helps them interact positively with others throughout life—in the family, faith community, child care, school, and ultimately adult employment.

Rather than adding stress, nurturing children’s friendship and social competence is a way to balance out life and to counteract the stress that academic study, testing, or even family strife can cause. Children who are able to make friendships find that peer play and interactions become supportive and relaxing.

Helping children develop positive social skills helps them contribute to a better world for all. With positive skills for making attachments and resolving differences, children can gradually learn to resist aggressive impulses or other negative conflict resolution strategies that are disrespectful, demeaning, and stressful.

Friendship can be a safe haven for children, where they experience acceptance, warmth, and camaraderie. They are relationships in which children can get feedback and responses to their individual strengths and talents from someone other than family or teachers. In the final analysis, the ability to build and maintain friendships is a key strategy for coping with the loneliness that most children experience from time to time.

Below are some resources for educators and parents that explore the importance of children’s friendships and their lifelong impact on children:

• The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World—and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness by Kenneth H. Rubin (New York: Skylight Press, 2002).
• Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships by Daniel Goleman (New York: Bantam Books, 2006).
• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (New York: Bantam Books, 1995).
• "Caring for the Little Ones: Friendships in the Baby Room," an article by Karen Miller (Child Care Information Exchange, May/June 2000).

What specific skills can we teach children to help them in making and keeping friends?

Learning to establish and maintain friendships is more complex than it seems. Luckily, all the skills required can be developed gradually. Even better, they are most easily learned through play—so they are mostly fun skills for children to develop.

An added benefit is that humans are by nature interested in social attachments. From birth, humans are “hard-wired”—in terms of brain development—to strive to master social skills. That said, below is a listing of most of the skills that affect how children form friendships.

To make and keep friends, children must be able to

• Experience a sense of self-worth as well as trust in others (often these stem from a reliable, enduring attachment during infancy).
• Recognize their shared interests with peers.
• Gracefully join into play by being flexible, adaptable, confident, resourceful, and inventive.
• Pay attention to, as well as respond to, nonverbal communication cues that peers send during play.
• Identify common peer play goals and plan together to reach them.
• Listen to and respect others’ feelings.
• Empathize with another person's perspective.
• Cooperate, share, and take turns.
• Accept, respect, and include others.
• Negotiate and compromise to build upon ideas for mutual enjoyment.
• Show compassion to others by extending a trustworthy, helping hand.
• Clearly express their own point of view in social interactions.
• Tactfully stand up for their wishes without resorting to aggression, unethical manipulation, or name calling.
• Cope with rejection from time to time by learning that people's moods and interest in peer play varies.

There’s so much involved in children’s friendships that books have been written on it. Below are book resources that explore friendship skills in depth:

• The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World—and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness by Kenneth Rubin ( New York: Skylight Press, 2002 ).
• Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace (New York: Ballantine Books, 2001).
• Good Friends Are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make and Keep Friends by Fred Frankel (Pasadena, CA: Pespective Publishing, 1996).
• Building Healthy Friendships: Teaching Friendship Skills to Young People by Terry Beck (Saratoga, CA: R & E Publishers, 1994).
• Children's Friendships by Zick Rubin (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1980).

How can teachers and parents work together in encouraging children’s friendships?

Role modeling positive friendship skills makes the biggest impact on children’s ability to adopt them. Regularly seeing adults in all settings engage in the etiquette and give-and-take of friendship gives children a specific positive roadmap for getting along in their own social world.

Both teachers and parents can take time to specifically affirm children’s behavior when it is positive, respectful, and inclusive of other. Encouragement should be given both verbally and nonverbally. Whenever an adult has the chance, he or she can reinforce a positive social skill with a smile, hug, or brief comment, such as, “How kind of you to help your friend pick up blocks.” These acknowledgments will help children recognize when they succeed in social experiences.

Another effective way to help children grasp the dynamics of friendship is to read stories about friendships together—both at home and at child care or school. Examining a story character's behavior can be a safe, objective way for children to consider and analyze how friendships are formed and maintained. After ending a story, ask children why the characters were friends. How did they become friends? How did they settle arguments?

Children might even want to be creative with the story line. Ask them how the story ending might change—for better or worse—if characters behaved or talked differently. Responses will give an amazing view of children's perspectives. You may want to put the following children’s picture books about friendship to good use:

• The Best of Friends by Pirkko Vainio (New York: North-South Books, 2000).
• A Book of Friends by Dave Ross (Scranton, PA: HarperCollins Children's Books, 1999).
• Alexander and the Wind-up Mouse by Leo Lionni (New York: Bantam Doubleday Dell Books for Young Readers, 1974).
• Being Friends by Karen Beaumont (New York: Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers, 2002).
• Best Friends by Marcia Leonard (Brookfield, CT: Millbrook Press, 1999).
• Best Friends by Steven Kellogg (New York: Penguin Putnam, 1986).
• Best Friends for Frances by Russell Hoban (New York: HarperCollins Children's Books, 1969).
• Best Friends Sleep Over by Jacqueline Rogers (New York: Scholastic, 1993).
• Chester’s Way by Kevin Henkes (New York: Greenwillow, 1991).
• Chicken Chickens by Valeri Gorbachev (New York: North-South Books, 2001).
• Clifford Makes a Friend by Norman Bridwell (New York: Scholastic, 1998).
• Do You Want to Be My Friend? by Eric Carle (New York: Putnam, 1988).
• Duck on a Bike by David Shannon (New York: Scholastic, 2002).
• Elmer’s Friends by David McKee (New York: HarperCollins Children’s Books, 1994).
• Flip & Flop by Dawn Apperley (New York: Scholastic, 2001).
• Friends by Helme Heine (New York: Simon & Schuster Children’s Pub. Div., 1982).
• Fox Tale Soup by Tony Bonning (New York: Simon & Schuster Children’s Pub. Div., 2001).
• Friends by Rob Lewis (New York: Holt, Henry Books for Young Readers, 2001).
• Friends! by Elaine Scott (New York: Simon & Schuster Children’s Pub. Div., 2000).
• Friendship: From Your Old Friends to Your New Friends by Nuria Bosch Roca ( Hauppauge, NY: Barron’s Educational Series, 2001).
• Fritz and the Beautiful Horses by Jan Brett (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1987).
• Frog and Toad Are Friends by Arnold Lobel (New York: HarperCollins Children's Books, 1979).
• George and Martha: The Complete Stories of Two Best Friends by James Marshall (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1997).
• How to Be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (New York: Little Brown Children's Books, 2001).
• How to Lose All Your Friends by Nancy Carlson (New York: Viking Children's Books, 1994).
• Hungry Hen by Richard Waring (New York: HarperCollins Children's Books, 2001).
• I’ll Always Be Your Friend by Sam McBratney (New York: HarperCollins Children’s Books, 2001).
• Just My Friend and Me by Mercer Mayer (Racine, WI: Golden Books, 1988).
• Let's Be Enemies by Janice May Udry (New York: Scholastic, Inc. 1961).
• Let's Be Friends Again! By Hans Wilhelm (New York: Scholastic, Inc., 1986).
• The Little Red Hen by Paul Galdone (Boston: Houghton Mifflin,1991).
• Make New Friends by Rosemary Wells (New York: Hyperion, 2002).
• Making Friends by Fred Rogers (New York: Putnam, 1996).
• May I Bring a Friend? by Beatrice Schenk de Regniers (New York: Simon & Schuster Children’s Pub. Div., 1974).
• Moonbear’s Friend by Frank Asch (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993).
• My Best Friend by Pat Hutchins (New York: HarperCollins Children's Books, 1993).
• My Best Friend Moved Away by Nancy Carlson (New York: Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers, 2001).
• My Friend Bear by Jez Alborough (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick Press, 2001).
• My Friend John by Charlotte Zolotow (New York: Bantam Doubleday Dell Books for Young Readers, 2002).
• Now One Foot, Now the Other by Tomie dePaola (New York: Putnam, 1981).
• The Other Side by Jacqueline Woodson (New York: Penguin USA, 2001).
• Penguin Pete’s New Friends by Marcus Pfister (New York: North-South Books, 1995).
• Poppy and Ella: 3 Stories about 2 Best Friends by Jef Kaminsky (New York: Disney Press, 2000).
• The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister (New York: North-South Books, 2000).
• A Rainbow of Friends by P.K. Hallinan (Nashville, TN: Ideals Publications, 2001).
• The Relatives Came by Cynthia Rylant (New York: Bradbury Press, 1985).
• The Snowman by Raymond Briggs (New York: Random House, 1986).
• Stevie by John Steptoe (New York: Harper & Row, 1969).
• Swimmy by Leo Lionni (New York: Alfred Knopf, 1973).
• Thy Friend, Obadiah by Brinton Turkle (New York: Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers, 1969).
• The Very Best of Friends by Margaret Wild (San Diego, CA: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1990).
• We Are Best Friends by Aliki (New York: HarperCollins Children's Books, 1982).
• Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes (New York: Greenwillow Books, 2000).
• What Will I Do without You? by Sally Grindley (New York: Scholastic, 1999).
• Where Is My Friend? by Marcus Pfister (New York: North-South Books, 2001).
• Whistle for Willie by Ezra Jack Keats (New York: Penguin Putnam Books for Young Readers, 1976).
• Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox (Brooklyn, NY: Kane Miller, 1985).
• Will I Have a Friend? by Miriam Cohen (New York: Simon & Schuster Children’s Pub. Div., 1971).
• Will You Be My Friend? by Nancy Tafuri (New York: Scholastic, 2000).
• Will You Forgive Me? By Sally Grindley (New York: Kingfisher, 2001).
• Witzy’s Best Friends by Suzy Spafford (New York: Scholastic, 2002).

Two children in my class are such close friends that they rebuff any other children who try to join their play. Should I separate them some of the time?

It’s very important to respect children’s play or friendship choices; after all, they have very little else that they have true control over. However, I do think it’s important to help expand children’s view of play options and friendships.

Rather than separating the children, try creating scenarios in which other children may join in their play. For instance, perhaps some dramatic play could require actors as well as audience.

You might also change the room environment a bit so that more than two children can fit comfortably into learning centers. Provide board games that require more than two players.

If the two children are rude or insensitive to others, help all the children “translate” the situation. For instance, you might say, “It hurts others’ feelings when you say they can’t play with blocks with you. We have plenty of blocks for four people. Please let others join so they can enjoy the blocks, too.”

Do set clear expectations for cordial, polite behavior if you ever witness the two children purposefully or meanly trying to isolate or reject others. You might say any of the following: “It’s wonderful you two are friends, but I don’t want others to feel left out. Find polite ways to talk to others about what you are playing. If you two want to play alone now, that is fine. But I expect you to find kind ways to tell others about it. It makes others sad when you push them away.”

While you set expectations, also coach other children to tell the duo how they feel. If a child is rejected from their play, coach the child in ways to express his or her hurt feelings. Hopefully as the two see how their favoritism impacts others, they might grow to be more inclusive over time.

Throughout your day, also find times when you can subtly team the two up with others. For instance, you might ask two children to help you move some chairs or set up a game. In such cases, you can resist pairing the two children who never choose another partner on their own.

Books of Interest to Parents and Teachers

• Cliques: 8 Steps to Help Your Child Survive the Social Jungle by Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese (New York: Broadway Books, 2001).

Books on Friendship Skills Written for Early Childhood Teachers

• Building Social Competence in Children: A Practical Handbook for Counselors, Psychologists and Teachers by Lilian Katz, Diane McClellan, James Fuller, and Garry Walz (Greensboro, NC: ERIC Counseling and Student Services Publications, 1995).
• Connecting: Friendship in the Lives of Young Children and Their Teachers edited by Dennie Palmer Wolf (Redmond, WA: Exchange Press, 1986).
• Fostering Children's Social Competence: The Teacher's Role by Lilian G. Katz and Diane E. McClellan (Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children, 1997).
• Guiding Children's Social Development by Marjorie Kostelnik, Alice Whiren, Anne K. Soderman, Kara Gregory, and Laura C. Stein (Albany, NY: Delmar Press, 1993).
• Kids Can Cooperate: A Practical Guide to Teaching Problem Solving by Elizabeth Crary (Seattle, WA: Parenting Press, 1984).
• Promoting Social and Moral Development in Young Children by Carolyn Pope Edwards (New York: Teachers College Press, 1986).
• Promoting the Social Development of Young Children by Charles Smith (Palo Alto, CA: Mayfield Publishing, 1982).
• Roots of Caring, Sharing, and Helping: The Development of Prosocial Behavior in Children by Paul Mussen and Nancy Eisenberg-Berg (San Francisco: W.H. Freeman, 1977).
• Together We're Better: Establishing a Coactive Learning Environment by Bev Bos (Roseville, CA: Turn the Page Press, 1990).

How can we help children develop friendship skills—especially shy children?

Teaching children friendships skills for someone outgoing versus someone shy isn’t necessarily that different. Often it is just the pacing of opportunities that varies. Outgoing children may pick up friendship skills more quickly, but it doesn’t mean that they are any better at being friends than more-shy or “slow-to-warm-up” children.

Respecting children’s temperament is important in every case. Shy or slow-to-warm-up children may need more coaching to take the initiative. And they might need the physical reassurance of an adult nearby to help them feel confident.

It’s important to resist labeling children who don’t join in play as quickly as others as “shy.” Help parents avoid “pigeon-holing” children into the shy category as well. By labeling, we sometimes communicate to children that they can’t adopt new behaviors or that we don’t have faith in their ability to learn.

Also avoid conveying that having many friends is better than having just a few. As in many things in life, it’s the quality of the friendships we keep that is important—not the number. Popularity shouldn’t be the goal of friendships but, instead, a way to find someone of kindred spirit. Less-outgoing children can have a few good friends and still reap all the rewards of those we consider to be highly popular.

A reticent onlooker to play may simply need an encouraging suggestion for ways to enter into other’s play. A teacher may say, “They are pretending to fight a fire in the block area. It looks fun. Maybe you could offer to hold a water hose to help out.”

It might take a couple of suggestions, but gradually children will try out your tip. Once a child successfully joins into peer play, take a photo of the play and then post it in the classroom at children’s eye level to help the child remember his/her success. Show the photos to the parents so they can also admire their child’s initiative and efforts to make friends. You can also keep the photo in the child’s portfolio to document growing social skills.

Below are other specific strategies for helping all children—whether outgoing or slow-to-warm-up—become socially competent and able to make friends:

• Use positive discipline strategies based on developmentally appropriate expectations.
• Teach children positive conflict resolution strategies as a way to settle differences with friends respectfully rather than through aggression.
• Model a rich “feelings” vocabulary so children learn to express themselves. Also model good manners, such as saying please and thank you.
• Help children find ways to help others’ minor hurts feel better or to make amends after they’ve hurt someone’s feelings. For instance, a child can give another child a cold cloth to hold on his or her bumped head. Or to make amends for hurt feelings, children can draw a friend a picture or give a friend a flower from the play yard garden.
• Be a good role model for thoughtfulness, kindness, and good manners. Help children see you take concrete measures to nurture friendship. For instance, bring in a gift for a friend’s birthday and let the children help you wrap it. Or after making blueberry muffins as a classroom cooking project, leave one on a table for your nighttime custodian as a “thanks” for keeping the classroom clean.
• Provide ample opportunities and materials that will encourage cooperative play so friendships are given fertile ground for blooming. Provide multiples of play accessories so at least four children can play together easily without fighting. Balls, wagons, two-seater big wheels, dolls, blocks, puppets, train sets, etc., all allow children to work together in infinite ways. Board games also encourage children to play together in respectful ways as each takes his or her turn.
• Provide regular access to sensory, “open-ended” play activities that encourage children to express their own ideas as well as view others’ creativity. Such activities don’t require any “right or wrong” answer, just lots of imaginative individual input. Offer regular, extended periods for play with sand, play dough, Silly Putty®, paints, manipulatives, dress-up clothes, and dramatic play kits to encourage creative diversity as well as cooperative enjoyment and appreciation.
• When assigning classroom “chores,” consider creating teams to accomplish tasks, rather than just one person. For instance, a team of children can help set snack tables, water plants, feed classroom pets, etc. Through teamwork, friendships take root.

Books about Shy Children for Parents and Early Educators

• The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elain N. Aron (New York: Broadway Books, 2002).
• The Shy Child: Helping Children Triumph over Shyness by Ward K. Swallow (New York: Warner Books, 2000).

Children’s Books about Shyness for Preschoolers

• Let’s Talk about Being Shy by Marianne Johnston (New York: PowerKids Press, 2003).
• Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus (New York: HarperCollins, 1971).
• The Shy Little Girl by Phyllis Krasilovsky (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1970).

What can a parent do with an only child who has many friends when he's in day care most of the week? He's unable to play on his own at home, expecting parents and grandparents to be constant sources of stimuli. In other words, he has trouble spending a moment alone.

Parenting is a time-intensive and demanding social job. It requires a lot of engagement, patience, and perspective taking. But as your question implies, children should gradually be able to occupy themselves for regular periods of time in self-motivating “alone time play” on a daily basis.

The amount of family engagement and attention that children require varies widely. Inborn temperament plays a role. Some children will always seek out and thrive upon social interaction more than others.

By age 3 years, most children should be able to engage in some form of daily “solitary play.” If your child is younger than 3, perhaps your expectations are a bit too high.

There are many other conditions that contribute to children’s inability to focus and entertain themselves. Below I’ll discuss some. As you read, be as objective as possible and reflect on what might be contributing to your child’s behavior. Then you’ll be better informed as you select specific ways to respond.

Contributing Causes

The quality of a child’s attachment bond to parents affects attention needs. When a child is insecurely attached to parents or has experienced recent family inconsistency and stress—including crisis or trauma—the child is less likely to be able to relax into “alone time” play.

Children who feel insecure lack a sense of trust that adults will be reliable. They may worry about adults’ dependability and stability. Preschoolers can’t yet sort out and verbalize those weighty concerns, so their behavior “talks” for them. Emotionally uneasy children often demand increased adult attention and behave in ways considered “clingy” or even smothering.

When family life is unpredictable (due to family illness, divorce, business travel, or military service), preschoolers try to secure bonds by monopolizing the attention of adults who remain. It’s as if they are saying, “Don’t forget me—or don’t leave me, too,” with their excessive dependence on immediate adult reinforcement, praise, or feedback.

But even children with secure family relationships are finding it harder to occupy their own time. Our electronic media culture is a contributing factor. Children are learning to “expect” to be entertained by TV, radio, videos, and DVDs. Many experts believe overexposure to electronic media is stealing children’s opportunities to develop their own creative, self-directed imaginative play.

Poor-quality child care undermines children’s ability to play alone. Children who are given limited chances for self-chosen play or who have their time rigidly prescribed and overscheduled are slower to develop independent decision-making, problem-solving, and creativity skills needed for solitary play.

Children’s toys play a role in the problem, too. Many battery-operated toys “perform” for children rather than requiring intense engagement. Such toys encourage children to “sit back and be entertained” rather than empowering them to be active learners, applying their own ideas to their own self-selected play theme.

Some children demand excessive attention and guidance if they suffer from mental health or medical conditions, such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. If that condition is suspected, a pediatrician can help make a diagnosis.

Lastly, some children demand attention because they are simply bored. Engaging play opportunities for alone play can help. Frequent chances to play outdoors in safe and developmentally engaging spaces can, too.

So, those are possible contributing causes to your dilemma. Reflect on which might influence your child. Then consider which of the following tips might help him learn to play on his own for expanded periods of time.

Helping Children Learn How to Play on Their Own

Whatever tips you try, use them consistently for a period of time—at least four weeks. Children don’t respond to new parenting strategies immediately. Often they will “test” you to see whether you mean what you say. But when relationships are good, and when parents convince children that they will be reliable and consistent, children are eager to cooperate.

• Review your family’s daily schedule. Be sure you are fitting in enough individualized, good-quality time together. A child who experiences too many hours in child care, or who is shuffled between too many different child care settings, may be justified in “asking” for more of your individual attention.
• Hold a family meeting. Talk about everyone’s need for some “alone time” daily to work or play without interruption. Identify times when it will be “alone play time” for everyone. Explain a strategy for ensuring everyone’s alone time so children know what to expect. For instance, let your child know that you will tell them when it is time for you to do your work and time for them to do their work alone. Reassure them that whenever “alone” time is over, you will be able to listen to what they did during their time. For instance, some children may want to explain a story behind a drawing they made or a structure they built on their own.
• Use concrete methods to establish “play alone” time. If a child finds it hard to cooperate with “alone time,” use a kitchen timer as a concrete way to enforce it. At the early stages, set the timer for a few minutes and tell your child you expect him/her to play alone until the timer goes off. Usually children love the game of this. As children successfully focus on play, gradually increase the amount of time. Eventually, you shouldn’t need the timer any more.
• Set the stage for success with defined play space. With your child, create a play space to call his or her own. Some children like to call this space their “office,” since they hear about mom and dad’s so often. It doesn’t have to be large. It can be a space in a shared bedroom or even a large appliance box. In the play space, include your child in decorating it with his/her favorite play things so the space is cozy and relaxing to the child’s personal taste.
• Consistently model respect.During “play alone” time, resist interrupting your children’s play to comment on their progress or remind them of a chore. Only by respecting their short time of privacy and “space” will they learn to respect yours.
• Provide engaging, open-ended toys for “alone play” time. Children are better able to focus on engaged play when multiple senses are used. They also “stick” with toys longer when they can be used in many imaginative ways. Versatile toys offer children multiple play options, reducing children’s chance of boredom and short-term interest. Toys that capture children’s focused interest include blocks, Legos™, railroad tracks, Lincoln Logs™, and other types of “construction” toys that allow children to build and create. And don’t forget that a plain old box can be engaging when you add some pretend animals or dollhouse people for children’s imaginary play.
• Offer sensory materials for play. If your home or outdoor space allows, occasionally offer “hands-on” sensory materials for creative play. For instance, play dough, silly putty, sand, leaves, and good-old-fashioned snow are very engaging. Providing “tools” makes play more exploratory, such as providing cookie cutters for play dough or plastic animals to hide in leaves. Nature items of all kinds are also child favorites, from seashells to acorns and sticks.
• Find appealing ways for children to relax alone. Some children love to listen to a favorite book on tape or to special songs—over and over and over. Their focus can give parents some “relief” from constant interaction. Simple homemade puppet play can do the trick, too.
• Resist depending on electronic media to “baby sit” children. While it is tempting to use TV, videos, or a computer as a way to occupy a demanding child, resist the urge. In the long run, you’re only making the “attention needy” behavior worse. And too much sedentary time isn’t good for children’s overall health and stamina. A half-hour of media time a day for a child is more than enough.
• Consistently acknowledge and show appreciation of cooperation—verbally and nonverbally. It’s always wise to give positive, cooperative behavior the most attention. Tell your children how much you appreciate it when they occupy themselves so you can concentrate. Give them a hug or pat on the back for respecting everyone’s “alone time.”

Sometimes other children give my son a hard time because he’s not the same age as they are. How can I advise him, to help him to get along with them better?

Thanks for writing in. You don’t mention ages, but I’m going to guess that your son is younger than his peers who give him, as you say, “a hard time.” That situation isn’t unusual, especially if one of the older boys who is giving your young son a hard time is a sibling.

There are several options you can pursue. See if any of these options sound feasible. Remember, the situation won’t improve overnight, so stick with whatever options you choose.

How you respond will depend on the extent of the problem and the setting, such as whether the issue occurs in child care, at home, or in a neighborhood playground or park.

• Don’t expect older children to play with your younger child all the time. Such an expectation sets the stage for frustration. If older children are constantly expected to play with younger children, or even act as babysitters, they can become resentful of younger children. If older children feel that younger children are “pushed” on them, their patience becomes strained.
• Provide ample opportunities for your child to build confidence and friendship skills with children his own age as well as with the older boys. I’ve found that children of varying ages can play very well together, if it isn’t forced upon them for long periods of time or “insisted” upon. You don’t mention ages, but children ages 4 years to 9 years can interact successfully, but not constantly. Children of different ages can play together, but as children get older, they do like some time with peers of their same ability. Keep in mind that children in each age group need chances for friendships with those closer to their own developmental abilities and interests.
• Set expectations for civil behavior in a simple but firm manner. Expect cooperation. Make it clear that you expect all the children to respect each other’s rights and feelings when they play together. Communicate that you won’t tolerate your young son being teased, bullied, or called names.
• Talk with the older boys and help them empathize with your son and his unique point of view. Encourage the older boys’ patience and tell them that you expect them to be respectful. Likewise, speak with your younger boy about older children needing some time to play alone, even if it makes him feel lonely. Help him think of ways to occupy his time if the boys don’t play cooperatively with him.
• Encourage your young son’s self-esteem and affirm that he does not have to tolerate being given a hard time. Coach and role model assertive, self-confident communication skills. Suggest possible responses that he can make if he feels “picked on.” For instance, he can say, “I don’t like it when you make me feel like a baby.” He can also make a choice to move away from the older boys when they begin to give him a hard time.
• Resist solving conflict for children; instead, suggest ways that children can stand up for themselves. For instance, instead of letting a child have a block grabbed away, support your child's rights by firmly and kindly stepping in to say, "You don't have to let her grab your toy away. Look at her and tell her you don't like it. Ask for it back."
• Read children’s books to your son that demonstrate ways that children can stand up for their own rights. The following books are suggested for preschoolers:
• Bully by Judith Caseley (New York: HarperCollins/Greenwillow, 2001)
• How to Lose Your Friends by Nancy Carlson (New York: Viking, 1994)
• Tootsie Barker Bites by Barbara Bottner (New York: Putnam, 1992)
• Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes (New York: HarperCollins/Greenwillow, 1991)
• The Lazy Bear by Brian Wildsmith (London: Oxford University Press, 1987)
• Goggles! by Ezra Jack Keats (New York: Viking. 1969)
• Help your child acquire assertive, confident body language. Even preschoolers can learn to keep eye contact and speak in a firm, clear voice with peers during conflict.
• Set the stage for cooperative play as often as you can in order to prevent problems. Offer opportunities for play that allow older and younger children to play together more easily. For instance, children of all ages can build with boxes to create structures. Open-ended materials, such as blocks, also give children of all ages an opportunity to succeed. Children can also cooperate to build an outdoor obstacle course for play outside. Provide some play items, such as wagons and buckets for sand play, that encourage teamwork.
• You don’t sound as if you think your young son is being bullied, but if he is, talk with other adults who may observe his social situations. Always intervene if a child is bullied. Don’t ignore bullying—it implies approval.

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