Early Learning Project
I have a 5-year-old boy in my child care program whose first response when provoked is to physically hurt others. He is a big, strong boy and is capable of inflicting real harm on others who cross him. I happen to know that this child’s parents use harsh discipline techniques at home. How can I help this child learn alternative approaches to dealing with his anger?
To varying degrees, all children experience anger in childhood. It is a basic human response with a variety of root causes, from frustration to confusion to fear of abandonment. Acting out in a volatile or aggressive manner (whether verbally or physically) may stem from role modeling taking place in the home as children witness family members’ behavior. After all, we often don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. However, we can’t just assume that a child has learned to respond violently when angry from parents. The child could have learned that response from neighbors, movies, television, or the public playground. Whatever the cause, early childhood professionals can help children manage anger constructively to maintain self-control.
To achieve anger management skills, children need patient and wise responsive guidance from skilled elders, inside the home and beyond. If children don’t receive developmentally appropriate coaching on ways to nonaggressively respond to anger, children can turn to bullying rather than socially acceptable problem solving.
With consistent, step-by-step help, children can learn to express anger respectfully and develop self-control. Below are strategies for coaching children in competent anger management.
Empathize with the angry child's point of view. Try to determine what has led to the anger. This approach will help you assist the child in choosing ways to express angry emotions.
Help children identify their emotions. They must also (and this is the hardest part!) learn to control how they express and act on powerful emotions. It's critical that children realize they can choose how to behave when angry.
Also help children learn to "interpret" others' emotions. Gently remind them that everyone has feelings and rights. Young children find being sensitive to others’ emotions and then taking into account their differing perspective very hard; it's a high-level thinking skill. So be patient; it's an emerging skill that takes time to develop.
Model a rich "feelings" vocabulary. With even the youngest of children, model putting words to emotions. Pair words with facial expressions; it helps children learn that everyone has unique feelings.
Encourage toddlers to empathize by "translating" others’ body language and angry feelings: "That boy is mad; he's crying because someone grabbed his toy from him. He wants it back."
With preschoolers, gradually introduce new words to "name" feelings associated with anger, such as frightened, anxious, scared, angry, worried, nervous, afraid, frustrated, confused, ignored, embarrassed, or mad.
Set the standard and enforce limits. As children grow, share your beliefs and values. Affirm everyone's right to be safe—emotionally and physically. As soon as children reach the early toddler stage (18 months), set ground rules for how anger may be expressed. Identify which behaviors are acceptable and which aren't: "It's not acceptable to throw toys. Tell me what's wrong instead." Tell children that they can feel what they wish, but they must control what they do to themselves and others.
Be a good example. Illustrate the behavior you expect. If you don't want kids yelling, name-calling, or belittling others, change your own ways first.
Encourage language usage rather than physical aggression. Ask children to tell you what they want or need. Remind children to use language, rather than grunts, shoves, or hits: "I know it's hard to wait for your classmate to give you more blocks. Tell him calmly you want more please. Pushing him doesn't make him want to share with you."
Encourage children to manage stress. Help children recognize and monitor their unique "warning signs" for anger-overload. They may become red in the face, grit teeth, tense shoulders, or feel short of breath. When you see these signs, prompt the child to notice the physical sensations as reminders to calm down. Then suggest ways to remain calm and composed. For instance, share tips such as slow rhythmic breathing, listening to music, or playing a physical game.
Help children express angry feelings constructively. Be on hand to help children "interpret" emotions: "You seem really angry. It's frustrating when someone gets a toy you wanted first. Crying didn't help. Is there another toy you can play with while you wait for that one?"
Show children how to address problems without aggression. Focus on behavior, not name-calling, and on what can be achieved, rather than blaming or shaming. Use "I-Feel" statements to help children express anger accurately and constructively. For instance, if a child gets into a fight over a toy, coach anger management and problem solving by saying: "Tell your friend that you're frustrated when she grabs your book. Tell her if you're afraid she might tear it."
Offer choices. Because they are just learning about emotions and language, preschoolers need more help sorting out angry feelings than older children. They can even distract themselves with their own tantrums. Interpret first. "Screaming isn't helping. Here are two things you can do." When given a clear choice, most children are better able to calm down, focus, and follow through. The younger the child, the more reminders they’ll need about their choices.
Take a stand against physical aggression and name-calling. Tell the child, "I won't let you hurt your classmate. I'd never let him hit you, either. Think of another way to let him know what you're feeling."
Offer specific feedback and encouragement. Comment on a child's respectful expression of anger whenever possible, such as, "I heard you and Andy arguing over the wagon. That was a good idea to reassure him that you'd give it to him next rather than just yelling." Or, "I heard you telling Trisha you were angry that she knocked down your block building; that was good self-control."
Offer regular peer play in a positive setting. Well-supervised and developmentally appropriate early childhood programs give children abundant chances to "practice" anger management with peers.
Reach out to families with resources and referrals. To help parents learn about positive child guidance that encourages and role models nonviolence, conduct positive discipline workshops for your program’s families. In your newsletter or weekly family e-mail, include announcements about community workshops. In your parent lending library, include parenting books that help parents learn about children’s individual temperaments, anger management, and positive discipline strategies. Refer parents to local stress management workshops so they can cope better with their own emotions and parenting challenges.
During our group sharing time recently, a young girl in my preschool program offered that her daddy went to jail the night before for hurting her mom. I struggled with the proper way to respond in front of the whole group to this delicate and private matter. How do you think I should have responded for this young girl’s sake and for the others in the group who were quite shocked by the statement?
I’ve had that happen in my career, too. It was an announcement a little boy made at our breakfast table. He ended his comments by saying that his mother yelled to his father as he was getting into the police car: “And don’t you come around here anymore either!”
It’s heartbreaking learning what some children have to witness too early in life. And I agree that it is a concern knowing that other children hear of the stories as part of the “fallout” of another family’s domestic violence issues. I know most families work hard to shelter children from such violence. However, in group settings, such revelations about classmates’ personal experiences do occur. The best we can do is turn them into teachable moments. Here is what I’d recommend to a teacher facing your situation.
First, teachers can respond with sincere empathy in front of all the children by saying, “I’m sorry to hear you all had such a hard night. That must have been very scary.” Next, offer to speak with the child more about it privately. It’s important that we be available to answer children’s questions in a safe and accepting manner. By being available to listen, we support the child. Reassure the child that the parents’ fight wasn’t the child’s fault and that his/her family isn’t the only one in which parents fight. Do what you can to demystify the frightening events for the child. It’s also important that teachers let the involved child know there is no need for him/her to take on personal shame because of the parents’ conflict.
After talks, teachers can document conversations for a child’s file. Depending on situations, teachers may choose to discuss the issue with parents. A call to the Department of Children and Family Services may be warranted. (The National Resource Center on Child Abuse and Prevention (http://www.casanet.org/library/abuse/nrccan.htm)Editor's note: This url has changed:http://www.acf.hhs.gov/acf_services.html#caan considers children witnessing domestic violence a form of emotional abuse—and I concur.).
If other classmates ask questions following a child’s disclosure of domestic violence, you can say, “Sometimes parents fight. And sometimes they hurt each other. I’m sure the police are trying to help the parents settle their fight.”
I have the children in my preschool for such a short time. Are there ways I can really make a difference in the life of a child harmed by witnessing violence at home?
Absolutely you can make a difference. You can make your classroom a safe haven that features calmness, predictability, reliability, and security. Maintaining a consistent mood yourself and using constructive guidance and discipline set a good role model for all children. Taking the time to be responsive to children’s interests and ideas also helps. Try to create conditions in which children have developmentally appropriate control over their experiences and choices. This helps offset their sense of helplessness in the face of family tension. You can also create an environment that doesn’t have big, overwhelming surprises for children. Children from violent homes often have a strong startle reflex and are often “hypervigilant” in how they observe their environment. So loud, “over the top” surprises often overwhelm rather than delight them.
Teachers can introduce resilience factors that support all children. Joyful noise, engaged activities, and playfully exploring Earth’s beauty through the arts and language arts go a long way to offsetting the stress children may be facing at home. Open-ended activities that are also calming are helpful, too, such as water or sand play, using play dough, painting, gardening, etc.
There are other indirect ways to help children as well. You can post notices of domestic violence services on parent bulletin boards or in newsletters. That approach allows you to help without pointing fingers or divulging confidential information about families.
You can also alert involved parents if a child does mention domestic violence. Ironically, most parents think they can hide domestic violence from children, often saying they only fight once children are asleep in bed. However, rarely do children sleep during such chaos. The children might be still and quiet during parents’ fights, but it is most likely the result of fright rather than sleep. The condition of being “scared stiff” is something children exposed to domestic violence understand very well.
When I was observing in a classroom, I overheard a conversation between two boys. One of the boys described his dad hitting his mom. The family is not from the U.S.; the parents are university students, or at least the father is. I don’t know much about the culture of the country the family comes from, but it’s a place where the status of women is much lower than that of men. In fact, some of what I’ve read says that physical abuse of women may be socially acceptable. Anyway, I mentioned the incident to the teacher. But afterward I wondered: The family’s not “from here,” and their cultural norms about domestic abuse are different from the norms here—and they will be returning home eventually—what are some things that the boy’s teacher should be mindful of if he or she hopes to support his resilience?
Whether domestic violence is acceptable or not in a particular culture, it does not make it right. I think you did the right thing to alert the teacher to your observation.
I, too, have seen young boys “replay” men’s behavior after they have witnessed a woman in the family being physically or verbally attacked. The behavior might crop up in any learning center, not just in dramatic play or rambunctious outdoor play. Sometimes the behavior stems from frustrations, other times it is impulsive or unfocused behavior.
I believe that when children act out such behavior they are trying to make sense of what they are witnessing. It’s as if they are exploring what the sense of power and explosiveness of hitting another might feel like. I should note that in all my years with children I have never witnessed a little girl acting out being the victim of domestic violence—although I have seen girls act out as perpetrator during “pretend play.” Children seem to be especially curious about the ability to inflict one’s power or anger on another, perhaps because they feel they have so little power of their own.
For the boys you describe in your question, I encourage the teacher to maintain standards of positive discipline in the classroom and focus on cooperative problem solving and peaceful conflict resolution. The classroom atmosphere should emphasize the rights of all to be physically and emotionally safe. Boundaries for acceptable behavior should be stated clearly and consistently enforced with developmentally appropriate consequences.
The calm and sense of justice and mutual rights that exist in a well-managed classroom do help build resilience. For the boys you describe, and indeed for all children, it’s important to consistently encourage attempts at maintaining self-control and respecting others. Whenever possible, comment positively when children illustrate patience, restraint, and respect. As teachers affirm that all have equal rights to safety in the classroom, they are putting values into action that children can observe and consider along with the style of interaction they may be seeing in the home.
Build resilience of any child by maintaining a predictable schedule and stable routine in the classroom. Provide stress-relieving activities, including outdoor and nature play, sensory art materials, sand and water play, gardening, as well as singing and dancing to music.
I also think it is important to have both male and female teachers in the classroom who work together so children can view both genders caring for children and working peacefully and cooperatively with everyone—children and adults alike. If you don’t have both genders as paid staff, work to seek qualified volunteers to ensure balanced representation.
Children who have witnessed domestic violence also benefit from a supportive listening ear from another caring adult. You can be that person. Don’t push children to discuss their experiences, but it’s important to be available to give one-to-one attention to children so they have the opportunity to talk with you about their anxiety or fears.
As I’ve mentioned in other answers, post community resources to help victims of domestic violence. Agencies and Web resources can be included in your newsletter, parent bulletin board, or on your Web site so any parent can identify help that is within reach.
I’ve been in classrooms where a quite a few of the children had been exposed to domestic and community violence. Some were abused themselves as part of the family pattern, and some had even witnessed family members being shot. They had a lot of issues around feeling safe, which came out in different ways (aggression, withdrawal, and so on), and trouble concentrating, among other problems. Are there things that a teacher can do with the schedule, the room setup, the play materials, and so on that can be helpful to the class in situations like that, or is a typical developmentally appropriate classroom schedule and setup good enough?
Your question points to another fact of domestic violence. It is not limited to adults. Children not only suffer the emotional “fall out” of domestic abuse, but they often wind up right in the thick of fights or other traumatic events. And so, often child physical abuse takes place as a result of domestic violence. And as I mentioned earlier, allowing a child to witness domestic violence is considered a form of emotional abuse.
A developmentally appropriate classroom—in terms of physical indoor/outdoor environment and daily schedule—is a great place to start building children’s resilience. Here are some specific points to keep in mind.
Stressed children are often overwhelmed by excessive or unexpected noises. They have a strong “startle reflex” that has a quicker trigger than the typical child’s. Introducing elements for sound reduction in the classroom avoids overloading children’s senses. Carpeting, acoustic tiles, or cloth-covered dividers help reduce noise.
And you’re right, traumatized children typically have trouble concentrating—perhaps because they feel they must be vigilant and “on the look-out” for violence to erupt at any moment. To help children concentrate, provide an uncluttered, organized classroom that allows them to easily see toys and how they may be used. Make sure learning centers don’t become too crowded. Create areas where children can easily share and cooperate so all children see that group interaction is possible without aggression. For children who become overwhelmed by too much stimuli, consider having fewer resources in the room at one time. Consider rotating materials.
Keeping to a “no surprises” schedule is also important. Help children anticipate what is coming up next as often as you can. Give them warnings about changes coming up. Their sense of security will be bolstered if you do. Your goal is to counteract feelings of confusion, withdrawal, and helplessness that often develop in children who regularly witness violence.
Stressed children can also find relief in small cozy spaces in a classroom, especially spaces that fit no more than two children at a time. This could be something as simple as a discarded appliance box with windows cut out and pillows tossed in for comfort. An indoor or outdoor picnic table with a sheet placed over it to create a tent provides children a sanctuary and a sense of protection. Even a small “pup” camping tent in the classroom gives children a little shelter to cozy up with a puppet or book or crayons and paper. Of course, there are also sturdy lofts that provide personal play space on top as well as under the loft. Many preschool vendors offer these, such as the well-respected company Community Playthings (http://www.communityplaythings.com).
I also like to see “soft” elements introduced to add gentleness, such as loveseats with washable slipcovers, floor pillows, quilts on walls, gliders, rocking chairs, etc.
Outdoors it’s helpful to have cozy spaces, too. A natural retreat can be very soothing. In your play space, see if you can create a bower of bushes (nontoxic, of course). Tree houses or small log cabins or other types of play houses are good, too. A weeping willow tree creates a fanciful place for children to relax and play under while still allowing teachers to see them. A shaded family-style porch swing gives casual opportunities for children to sit with peers or adults for good conversation.
In terms of class management, throughout the day offer children developmentally appropriate choices. Give them as much of a sense of control over their activities as possible. At home, life can spin out of control at a moment’s notice, leaving these children with a depressing sense of powerlessness. You can counter those feelings by giving children choices. I also suggest that you teach them how to contribute to classroom well-being whenever possible. For instance, they can help prepare snacks, set tables, water plants, or care for pets. That sense of competent independence allows them to realize that they can make a positive difference in the classroom. That builds resilience.
What are some signs that a young child has witnessed domestic abuse or may be a victim of violence? The situations you addressed earlier involved children who were verbal or aggressive, ones who gave outward signs that some form of abuse may be occurring at home. How about the very quiet, reticent child?
You’re right. In response to violence, not all children react with clear behavioral or verbal clues. Not all children become physically or verbally aggressive with peers in response to family life trauma, either.
It can be hard to determine whether a child is suffering from exposure to violence. After all, not all types of violence—in particular witnessing violence—leave telltale physical marks on children. So we have to observe their behavior and nonverbal communication very sensitively as we try to translate symptoms of distress and determine the cause.
Even when you see behavior considered a “red flag” for possible trauma, it’s often hard to discover the root cause. Young children (by which I mean preschool to age 8 years) usually don’t tell us about violence in the home. And certainly infants and toddlers can’t tell us even if they were brave enough.
Sadly, children learn very early to keep family secrets. Some children personalize and take on the “shame” associated with domestic violence, so they actively try to hide the true circumstances. Other children have a very clear sense that family yelling and beatings are wrong, but they still feel loyal and protective to parents they love. Being torn between fear and asking for help outside of the family puts children under tremendous and continual emotional stress.
In general, children exposed to violence show signs associated with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Symptoms might be mild if a child is exposed to violence one time. But if domestic violence is an established pattern that occurs regularly and often, the signs of PTSD can be more severe. Any trauma can undermine children’s development, but PTSD symptoms become more enduring and severe when children are exposed repeatedly to violence.
Below are some possible behavioral clues that a child is traumatized because of violence:
- The child is easily distracted and unable to concentrate or daydreams often.
- The child retreats or disengages from the group into silent occupation, such as hiding in a cozy space playing alone.
- The child becomes aloof or emotionally numbed or “zoned out”—what is sometimes called dissociation—in order to keep pain at bay.
- The child reacts disproportionately frightened after making even a minor mistake or a “mess.”
- The child excessively clings to one adult or reverts to behavior associated with earlier stages of development (e.g., bed-wetting, whining, sucking thumb).
- The child repeatedly acts out traumatic incidents during dramatic play, such as when acting out family life or playing with dolls or puppets.
- The child appears jumpy, with a quick and frequent “startle reflex” in response to loud, unexpected sounds—even laughter.
- The child appears “hypervigilant” in monitoring classroom atmosphere and especially harmony between adults.
- The child avoids eye contact with adults or uses a “white lie” when answering an adult’s direct question about a parent’s behavior.
- The child experiences frequent sleep disturbances, including nightmares or unwanted memory flashbacks of traumatic events when trying to nap or sleep.
- The child is agitated when it’s time to go home, especially before weekends.
- The child consistently avoids a specific gender or pretends one parent isn’t really part of the family (usually the one that the child views as the instigator of family violence).
- The child’s eating increases or decreases, or power struggles related to eating arise.
- The child has bumps, cuts, bruises, or broken bones (from getting in the way of fighting adults).
- The child has frequent headaches or stomachaches.
Sometimes it’s hard to determine the precise cause of children’s distressed behavior. Any one of the symptoms above could relate to issues other than witnessing violence. However, if many of the symptoms above are evident in a child, there is cause for concern.
Whenever you think a child is “crying for help”—whether figuratively or literally—share your concerns and observations with the child’s parents to try to get at the root of the problem. If parents refuse to cooperate, a call to social service personnel would be in order.
For more on posttraumatic stress disorder in children, see the Web site of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
The Illinois Child Abuse and Neglect Hotline numbers are 800-25-ABUSE (800-252-2873) or 217-785-4020.
What factors are important in a child's resilience, and which are the ones that a teacher/caregiver can most likely help with?
Children’s resilience depends on a number of factors. For instance, children born with flexible, social, and “easy” temperaments and optimistic attitudes tend to bounce back from adversity more reliably than children who are not born with easy temperaments. Children who develop a sense of faith and trust that life will turn out for the best also rebound more successfully.
Early childhood staff can have a profound influence over a number of factors related to children’s resilience. Here are a few suggestions:
- Maintain a strong one-to-one relationship with a child over time. Take special note of a child’s well-being so the child feels accepted. Let children know you are a safe, reliable person to turn to for help. Research shows that one consistent, supportive, attentive, and responsive person in a child’s life can go a long way toward building resilience. It’s also been noted that such a person is especially important during the early childhood years. That “one person” is most often a grandparent, but it is also often a teacher or favorite neighbor. Older children mention coaches as making a big contribution to their resilience.
- Listen to children’s feelings as well as ideas. Empathize through a rich feelings vocabulary. Listen leisurely without rushing a child. For children who hold back, provide safe ways for them to communicate, such as through puppetry, storytelling, story writing, or making up stories in the dramatic play or block center.
- Encourage and support children’s creativity and productive problem solving whenever possible. Give children consistent positive, specific feedback no matter what children are engaged in, from art projects to sand play. Identify children’s unique talents; comment on them and nurture them as often as you can. If a child has a talent for learning through music, integrate musical and movement activities within your curriculum as often as you can.
- Role model a positive attitude for children. Exemplify positivity and optimism. Avoid being overly self-critical by taking mistakes in stride. This approach will show children that they don’t have to be too hard on themselves every time they make a mistake.
- Connect children to sensory relaxation activities so children learn to manage stress constructively. From watching clouds float by to playing with play dough, there are many ways for children to cope with the stress of family violence.
- Connect children to safe nature whenever possible. Research shows that nature can be soothing for children. The regular cycle of seasons and all the sensory delights of varying seasons help build children’s sense of attachment and security. Visit local parks regularly to adopt a favorite tree or garden. If you have time and space to care for them well, include a safe, approachable pet in your classroom. An animal gives children a sense of unconditional love and an ear that listens patiently.
- Provide plenty of time for “free play” in your classroom, especially time for pretend play. Children use play to make sense of the world around them. They also use it to relax and focus on childhood rather than adult or family stress.
- Lastly, arrange for intervention services when you can. Consult with children’s family members about your concerns. Make relevant referrals and check back to see how referrals worked for families. When needed, make calls to appropriate social service professionals. Help children and families get the help they need. The sooner domestic and community violence is stopped, the better off children will be.
Can children who witness violence benefit from counseling or therapy?
Absolutely. In fact, counseling is definitely recommended if a child has witnessed multiple incidents of domestic or community violence. Emotional turmoil after witnessing violence may linger for years, so the sooner counseling is sought, the sooner children can process their feelings about the circumstances and move on to competent coping.
For preschoolers and young school-agers, parents are in charge of obtaining counseling services for children (unless conditions are so severe that state protective services are involved). Because of that, below I provide information FOR PARENTS as they go about seeking counseling services. Perhaps you can share the information with parents in your program who are seeking professional help for their child and family.
Selecting a Children’s Mental Health Therapist: Tips for Parents
Finding mental health resources takes investigation. Consider the following resources: pediatrician; county mental health agency; employee assistance program; trusted friend's word-of-mouth referral; phone book yellow pages (often listed under therapists, psychologists, mental health services); human service hotlines; or child protection agencies.
You can also search out Web sites. They can inform you about therapists' certification, training, and licensing requirements in your particular state. Some Web sites maintain directories of professionals and offer free consumer guides and resources.
Play therapyis a style of therapy that is especially suited to young children. It is conducted by someone who has been trained on how to gain insight into children’s lives by observing their play. They are also trained on how to set the stage for the type of play that encourages children to work through trauma that they have experienced or witnessed. It’s a method that helps children gain greater mastery over their responses to stress, such as witnessing violence. To find a play therapist, theAssociation for Play Therapy’s Web site maintains a directory at http://www.a4pt.org/directory.cfm.
Other Web sites for family therapy (which includes counseling children and parents together) include theAmerican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (http://www.TherapistLocator.net), theNational Association of Social Workers (http://www.naswdc.org), the American Counseling Association (http://www.counseling.org), and the National Board for Certified Counselors (http://www.nbcc.org/).
Selecting a Therapist: Questions to Explore
You'll be looking for a "best fit" match between a therapist and your particular child and family. That match will vary depending on your child's unique needs and the therapist's unique talents or training.
You can gather information by speaking with potential candidates by phone or, preferably, in a face-to-face interview. Whether one or both methods are used, start by finding out if a fee for the exploratory interview will be charged.
There will also be other logistical realities to consider. Can you find someone whose fee you can afford? Could services be covered by your health insurance? Location, hours of service, and even length and frequency of sessions will also affect your decision.
Connor Walters, Ph.D, certified Family Life Educator and former Marriage and Family Therapist, suggests asking potential counselors specific questions before you make a final selection:
- What are the therapist's training, certification or licensing, and experience? Is the therapist well versed in typical child development, rather than primarily atypical development? Walters cautions that some challenging childhood behavior really is age appropriate and not pathological. You want to find a therapist who knows the difference.
- Does the therapist prefer to counsel children of a certain age? Which age group does the therapist have the most experience serving?
- What types of childhood problems does the therapist have the most experience counseling? (This may range widely, including, but not limited to, depression, chronic anxiety, exposure to violence, excessive fears or phobias, aggressive behavior, eating disorders, chronic health conditions, family divorce, poor self-esteem, and learning disabilities.)
- What therapy methods might be used with your child, for instance, play therapy, stress management, relaxation training, and/or family therapy? What type of testing will be involved?
- What confidentiality and ethics policies are followed for children and parents? Are there situations that the therapist is mandated by the state to report (such as suspected child abuse and neglect, drug abuse, or domestic violence)?
- Does the therapist feel skilled in building trusting relationships with children as well as adults, or is most of his/her work with adults rather than children? Walters cautions parents that some therapists may build a rapport well with parents but not with children. You want someone skilled at communicating with adults and children, not one or the other. Skills with children should take priority if you can't find a counselor who communicates easily with both age groups.
- Who will be allowed, or even encouraged, to participate in your child's sessions?
- Is the therapist open to working with a team to help children? Will he or she consider child care or school professionals' input as the therapist counsels your child?
- In what ways and how often will the therapist expect to communicate progress or concerns to you? Will meetings be scheduled with you? Will progress be reported by phone or written report?
- What is the therapist's estimation for duration of therapy? The number of therapy visits that children require varies widely depending on particular issues. Walters reminds us that "therapy is a process." That means that the timing of its successful accomplishment can't be predicted with pinpoint accuracy. Some issues really can be solved very simply and thus will require just a few visits; however, other issues may require many months or even years of help.
Can a child’s brain development be affected by witnessing domestic violence?
That’s one of the ironic things about children enduring stress. We often assume that emotional development is the only area being negatively affected. But the fallout of stress that comes with children witnessing violence can interfere greatly with the normal development of the brain’s neural connections, or mental learning pathways. In fact, the brain’s growth is most vulnerable to physical or emotional trauma during childhood, which makes domestic violence all the more heartbreaking.
Science tells us that children’s abusive experiences become seared into their brains—right into their memory networks. Skill mastery and concept development can be hampered, resulting in anxiety, poor impulse control, poor frustration tolerance, inadequate problem-solving ability, and the inability to focus and concentrate.
When a child witnesses an abusive incident or “flashes back” to the incident, a flood of stress hormones is released into the child's bloodstream, altering the brain's development. Those stress hormones receive “top priority” consideration by the brain, as it focuses on a “fight or flight” response first and foremost. Learning or taking time to explore the world and make sense of it is more of a luxury for children at that time as their bodies focus on survival.
Children who witness domestic or community violence are not able to reach their full learning potential. That is another reason why it’s so important for us to help prevent children from seeing violence. But if they do, we must help them be resilient so they can develop well despite toxic circumstances that undermine children’s ability to fully thrive.
Is most domestic violence that children see between a man and a woman?
The most reported type of domestic violence that police receive is between a man and a woman. However, violence in the home takes other forms, too. Violence might take place between grandmother and daughter in front of grandchildren. Sometimes aunts or uncles fight each other in children’s presence. And sometimes it is adult friends of the family who fight with others in the home. Teen siblings physically and verbally fighting with parents can also traumatize young children. For children being raised by a single parent, a parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend might also be part of a pattern of domestic violence.
Bottom-line—fighting between parents isn’t the only type of violence we need to protect children from. No matter who surrounds children in the home and community, it’s important for children to view everyone solving problems with dignified conflict resolution strategies…and that always leaves violence out. The only way we’ll break the cycle of domestic and community violence is to teach children respectful ways of managing family life and beyond.
I don't know if you believe in "vicarious trauma" or not, but many people who work with children traumatized by family violence can sometimes be affected themselves. It can be so discouraging to know that children you care about have been hurt or scared, and may be again, and you can't stop it. It's not unusual to feel angry and helpless yourself. So I guess my question is, "What do you suggest that early childhood teachers and caregivers do to support their own resilience, in situations like that?"
Absolutely, I believe teachers become especially stressed when dealing with highly stressed children, such as those living in traumatic circumstances. To keep from overwhelming teachers of such at-risk children, I believe we need smaller groups of children and higher teacher-to-child ratios. That would allow children to get more individualized attention from adults. Plus it would allow classroom adults to “tag team” with each other—sharing with each other the extra demands of caring for and teaching traumatized children.
Being emotionally available to children is an exhausting job that can sap energy and enthusiasm. To maintain experienced people in the early childhood field, it’s very important for teachers to build up their own resilience. Only when teachers remain mentally healthy can they be available to support children and families enduring stressful situations. Below are tips for adults trying to maintain a positive attitude, sufficient energy level, and consistent resilience as they work with and advocate for children.
Stress Management Tips for Adults
Develop good stress management habits: Eat a nutrient-filled well-balanced diet, get at least 7-8 hours of sleep nightly, exercise—such as taking a walk—for about 30 minutes at least several times a week.
Limit or completely eliminate stress-related behaviors that ultimately backfire by undermining your health and ability to cope, such as smoking, depending on mood-altering substances, or overeating.
Work to balance career and family life demands. On a daily basis, schedule time for peaceful relaxation. Begin to delegate household chores among family members so everyone shoulders some of the load. Do the same among co-workers.
Seek some kind of mental relief from work-related worries, whether it is seeing a movie, reading a good novel, compiling a family tree, or doing yoga or meditation. Find a hobby you can focus on with full engagement. Follow a personal passion, such as photography, scrapbooking, or hiking. It can help relieve you of focusing only on children’s challenging life circumstances and behavior.
At least monthly have dinner with adult friends at a restaurant that doesn’t have a “kiddie” menu. It can help relieve the stress of being with children 24/7.
Reach out to colleagues, family, professional support groups, and faith groups for help, guidance, reassurance, empathy, and inspiration when your energy runs low. Even a monthly book group can help.
Turn to inspirational reading to motivate you, whether poetry, humor, or faith-based publications.
Before you reach your wit’s end, read books such as Paula Jorde Bloom’s Avoiding Burnout (available through Gryphon House) or Angela Fishbaugh’s Seeking Balance in an Unbalanced World: A Teacher’s Journey (available through Redleaf Press). They might help you maintain your own resilience.
And, lastly, if you have relentless trouble “leaving work at work,” consider seeing a counselor to help you maintain perspective. Especially if you begin to experience depression, seek help. It is a physiological response to stress, which doctors can help you with. The Web site of the Mayo Clinic (http://www.MayoClinic.com) lists the items below as symptoms of depression. If you experience several symptoms for at least 2 weeks or more, it’s recommended you confide in your doctor for assistance.
- Loss of interest in normal daily activities
- Feeling sad or down
- Feeling hopeless
- Crying spells for no apparent reason
- Problems sleeping
- Trouble focusing or concentrating
- Difficulty making decisions
- Unintentional weight gain or loss
- Irritability
- Restlessness
- Being easily annoyed
- Feeling fatigued or weak
- Feeling worthless
- Loss of interest in sex
- Thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior
- Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
Disclaimer
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