Live Interactive Chat

Answers to Questions (Transcript)

September 9, 2003

Using Words and Emotions to Avoid Two's Commotions

Deb Medlyn
Head Teacher, Child Development Laboratory, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

See also: Biography and Related Resources

IELmoderator
Greetings, IEL Chat participants. Welcome to the first IEL Chat of the 2003-2004 school year. Our Chat tonight is titled "Using Words and Emotions to Avoid Two's Commotions." To get started, let me introduce our guest speaker, Deb Medlyn, Head Teacher, Child Development Laboratory, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

Deb Medlyn
Greetings! It is good to be here tonight, and I look forward to speaking with all of you during this Chat. We will be talking about toddlers' emotions.

IELmoderator
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IELmoderator
Now let's begin our Chat. Ms. Medlyn, we have a question that we received in advance of the session.

What are some typical ways toddlers act when they are angry?

Deb Medlyn
The way toddlers react when they are angry, frustrated, or afraid is individual for each toddler. But there are some common reactions.

When toddlers are angry, they may pout, stomp their feet, walk away crying, or have a temper tantrum. In the tantrum, 2-year-olds may throw themselves on the ground, kick their feet, and beat their hands on the floor. One child in my classroom tried to bang the back of his head onto the floor, but with quick thinking, I fit my hand between his head and the floor so he did not hurt himself. Other angry toddlers may try to hit a parent, child, sibling, or any person that made them angry or were close by. Still others may push or bite others.

Some 2-year-olds may pull other children's hair or scratch at others. Still others will fold their arms over their chest and stop talking to the person who made them angry. The 2-year-old may run to others while crying and tell that person how mean the person who made them angry was. They may even go stiff or arch their backs as you put them in a car seat or stroller.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's another related question we received in advance.

What are typical ways toddlers act when they're frustrated or afraid?

Deb Medlyn
Frustrated 2-year-olds often give you a cue of their frustration by making nonverbal sounds. Some toddlers may even make growl-like sounds. Some may use a whiney voice and say, "I can't do it." Others may cry. Some may say, "Help me." Others may not be able to verbally express their needs and thus may throw a tantrum. I've seen frustrated 2-year-olds walk away, give up, and stop trying without adult intervention, assistance, or encouragement.

The toddler who is afraid may cling tightly to a parent. The child may cry. The toddler may look for a parent and run to the parent. Some may hide, especially behind a parent or under things. The child may look frantic and scream. Yet others will get very quiet and not adventure about when anxious.

Frazzled Mom
It seems my 2-year-old misbehaves more when I desperately want her to behave--when we're having company, for example. It's as if she knows how much it matters and deliberately does the wrong thing. Why does she do that?

Deb Medlyn
Frazzled Mom, it is common for children to want their mother's full attention, and they seem to have the knack to pick the time when you have a phone call or are having a conversation with another adult. At this age, toddlers are very egocentric. They are used to having mommy all to themselves. Your child may not have developed "autonomy" yet--where they see themselves as a separate person from you. Has your child started saying "no" to you a lot? This will commonly tell you that they are beginning to develop autonomy, where they show signs of independence.

In addition, children are still playing alone or with their parents and haven't expanded their world to play with other children. They still see themselves as an extension of their mom and dad. It is also an age where it is difficult to share, and when you are talking to another person, the toddler is put in a position to share his or her mom or dad.

Nancy M
I work with a toddler who is not quite 2. Although he can say many words, and some two-word phrases, when the least bit angry or frustrated, he squeals loudly and often. How can I encourage him to talk instead of just making noises?

Deb Medlyn
Nancy M., we received a question in advance of this Chat that is very similar to this. Its answer should answer your question as well.
Editor's note: Go to the later question.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's a follow-up question from Frazzled Mom.

Frazzled Mom
This may seem like an unrelated question, but really I don't think it is. When I'm in the grocery store and I see a very upset parent who is in my opinion mistreating the toddler, I get very concerned about the safety of the child. If a parent will slap the toddler's fingers or threaten him in public, I worry about what's going on when no one's around. Am I right to worry? What should another parent (especially if I have my own 2-year-old with me) do when that happens?

Deb Medlyn
Frazzled Mom, sometimes it helps to give support to that mom...to perhaps say, "I know how you feel...it is frustrating to have an upset toddler." Sometimes it helps to say something humorous to lighten the angry atmosphere of the other parent. Also, be aware that you may have walked in and not seen the whole exchange. Sometimes when we see a crying child and an angry parent, we may jump to conclusions.

Deb Medlyn
Frazzled Mom, an additional thought--if you did see something abusive in the situation you mentioned, please talk to the store manager, insuring your own safety.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's the "similar" question received--that is, similar to Nancy M's question.

My child squeals so loudly that people cover their ears. How can I get her to lower her voice?

Deb Medlyn
I just witnessed a toddler screaming at my family's favorite pizza restaurant. The parents never addressed the screaming or running around directly. They would call the child and a sibling back to the table. Then the children would get up, scream, and run about the room.

I suggest addressing the behavior. Say, "When you scream, it hurts my ears." While you say this, cover your ears with your hands. At the same time, make a pained look on your face and slightly shake your head side to side. Continue by saying, "You need to stop."

As far as running, which often goes hand in hand with screaming, say, "Running is for outside. We are inside. There is too much furniture inside, and you might fall and bump your head on the furniture." Then I would redirect the behavior. If we were in a public place, I might say, "I have a pen and some paper you can quietly draw with instead."

So you are stating what behavior you desire and giving a reason to stop an unwanted behavior. For example, if you say, "Don't touch the stove," it is human nature to want to touch the stove. But if one says, "The stove is hot. If you touch the stove, it will burn your fingers and that will really hurt"--most of us would not touch the stove. Then if we are redirected to another activity, it will take away the focus of the stove. This is the use of positive statements first, giving a reason second, and then redirecting. If "don't" is used, such as "Don't run," the young child may only hear run. Best to state the behavior you desire.

Also, when appropriate, you can tell a child you don't know what they want when they scream. They need to use words. When they scream, say, "You need to use words or show me what you want." Then give the child the words to say what he or she wants. You model the appropriate words that will give children what they want, and thus the child experiences that words get the results wanted and screaming does not.

Praise your child when he or she does use words to encourage the child to repeat that positive behavior. Be specific in your praising, not just a general, "Good for you." Say, "I liked the way you told me with words what you wanted. With words I can help you right away because I understand." Sometimes a toddler will not repeat the words you have modeled, and that is okay. The child has heard you and will say the words at a later time, when the child is ready and assuming the child does not have speech delays. If a child does have speech delays, continue to tell the child words to use, but shorten the words needed.

I also observe to see why a child screams. Does the child get attention he/she seeks? Is the child verbal and using words? Is a child hard to understand? Is the child excited? Is the child tired, hungry, or thirsty? Be sure that your actions are not encouraging screaming.

Still another effective strategy that I use often with loud children is to whisper when a child is too loud. This is even more effective if, after you have caught his/her attention, you tell the child that screaming hurts your ears. The child will stop to listen because he/she can't hear you, and the child will strain to listen to you. Plus you model an inside voice. In fact, I often whisper as I say, "You need to use your inside voice. You can use your loud voice outside. Inside, a loud voice hurts my ears."
Editor's note: Return to Nancy M's original question.

daisy
In the day care center I work at, one of my 2-year-olds has constant mood swings. In observing that child, I noticed that the mood swings happen later in the day when there are more children in the classroom. Also, the child seeks out other children to pick a fight with. Is there anything I can do for this child?

Deb Medlyn
daisy, I need more information. Does he nap? Do you know if he sleeps well the night before? Could he be tired or overstimulated? How is he with the children in the morning?

daisy
In reference to my question about the 2-year-old, the child does take a nap at the day care center; it's possible the child could be overstimulated. In the morning, the child does not interact with the other children.

Deb Medlyn
daisy, is it possible that since he plays alone in the morning that the arrival of the other children increases sharing issues--or possibly that he wants to play and doesn't know how to initiate that play so he resorts to aggression? I had a child in my classroom every year who hit children in his first attempts to "make a friend" even though it is inappropriate to do so. I have stepped in and asked him if he wanted to play with the other child and, if so, to say "hi ___."

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's our next question:

Are there ways a parent can prevent or avoid some common toddler "scenes" (e.g., tantrum in the grocery store)?

Deb Medlyn
Tantrums are part of daily life for some toddlers. Yet here are ways a parent can prevent or avoid some common toddler "scenes." It is beneficial to help keep toddlers' frustration low and within the limits of their frustration level. First, I suggest not taking a toddler to the grocery store near eating or sleep times. A hungry toddler whose blood sugar has dropped or who is tired and grumpy can easily become frustrated and tantrum.

Give your toddler lots of choices throughout the day. This approach empowers toddlers to have some control over their lives and thus satisfies their need to be independent. When you give choices throughout the day with what clothes to wear and toys to play with, for example, the 2-year-old is more apt to do what you say when you have to say no or can't compromise a limit. When you must force a child to do something unenjoyable, do it as tactfully as you can.

When you see the child getting angry or upset, try to make it easier to accept, perhaps by compromising--putting on a jacket but not having it zipped up. Let the child "save face" with some choice, and you will avoid a full tantrum. This does not mean giving in to the child. Giving in teaches children to throw more tantrums to get their way.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's our next question:

What are some effective ways to react to a toddler's temper tantrums in public?

Deb Medlyn
When the child first begins to show signs of a tantrum, remind the child to quiet down and that he/she is hurting other people's ears. Say, "If you keep crying loudly, we will have to go to the car and go home. Often, the child is too far into the fury of the tantrum and won't be able to hear you and just can't calm down enough to hear you. Resist the urge to scream back. You may find yourself becoming angrier as your child continues to scream. If you join in with yelling or show anger, you will prolong the tantrum.

Don't try to argue with the child while the tantrum lasts, because the child may be beyond reason. But acknowledge the child's anger by gently saying, "I see you are angry. I know you are angry. We will talk when you calm down." Other people may look at you or stare to see if you are mistreating your child. If you are physically gentle and use a calm voice, others will sympathize and know you are guiding your child.

If there are items close to the child, you may have to gently hold your child on the floor so he/she doesn't get hurt. As the child calms down, he/she finds himself/herself close to you, and that all is unchanged by his/her behavior. This is now comfort time. However, a few toddlers can't bear to be held during tantrums. The physical restraint drives them to more anger, making the tantrum worse. But you can be sure that there isn't anything in the area that can hurt them or anything they could run into.

You may need to calmly remove the child and take him/her to the car to calm down and to keep him/her safe. You should stay in the car, as tantrums frighten your toddler. Children who are having a tantrum need you there to know their world hasn't changed because of their tantrum.

Don't let the child feel rewarded or punished for a tantrum. You want a child to know that tantrums change nothing for the child. Don't let tantrums embarrass you in public and thus give in to the child. If toddlers realize that tantrums have an effect on your behavior toward them, they are bound to learn to use them and work themselves into deliberate tantrums later.

Be consistent in gently holding or removing children from the scene so they don't get what they want. This strategy will cause the behavior to eventually diminish. If you give in because you are in public and let children have what they threw a tantrum over, you will get more tantrums later. Children learn that they get what they want by making a scene. I know it is inconvenient to leave a cart full of groceries or merchandise, or embarrassing to have a screaming child, but it is worth the trouble to stop the tantrums from escalating.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's our next question:

My toddler is really stubborn! How can I encourage cooperation?

Deb Medlyn
Your child may be "spirited" by temperament or could be developing autonomy--a need for independence--a developmental milestone. Your toddler is rapidly developing a sense of being a separate independent person with his/her own rights, preferences, and ploys. The child no longer sees himself/herself as part of you, so the child no longer easily accepts your total control over his/her life. The toddler wants to assert himself/herself, and it is developmentally right that he/she do so. This autonomy or "No" stage is a sign that the toddler is growing up and feels secure enough to try to do things for himself/herself or have things go his/her way.

In any case, whether your child is stubborn by nature or because of the development of autonomy, try to stay out of power struggles with your child. Give your child more choices throughout the day so that the child feels empowered--that the child has say in his/her world. The toddler is more likely to cooperate about doing what you say when he/she really needs to because he/she has had a say most of the day.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's a related question:

How can you avoid getting into a "power struggle" with your toddler?

Deb Medlyn
Adults can easily frustrate a toddler's newfound independence, the feeling about himself/herself, and the child's sense of dignity. As soon as toddlers feel harried, bullied, and pressured, they "dig their heels in" and stubbornly refuse. This can lead a parent straight into a verbal power struggle with the child.

But if toddlers get to make choices and thus have more control over their own lives, they will more likely willingly do what you tell them to do. Parents have to have some limits, such as for safety. In these instances, it is okay to be loving but firm. Oftentimes, a good sense of humor will get you out of a power struggle and "save face" for the toddler to comply.

Also, gently speak the toddler's feelings to him/her. For example, "I can see you are angry. You were having a good time and don't want to leave. I understand that, but it's time to go now. You can walk to the car, or I will carry you to the car."

In this way, you are accepting the child's feelings and giving a choice. Praise your toddler when he/she is cooperative. Catch your child being good. Legitimately and specifically praising a child for positive behavior and saying that you are so proud of the child will increase that behavior. Tell your child what you liked about what he/she did.

IELmoderator
You can find additional resources on Using Words and Emotions to Avoid Two's Commotions in the supplement to this Chat session. This supplement is available on the IEL Web site at this URL: http://illinoisearlylearning.org/chat/medlyn/sup.htm

IELmoderator
As mentioned earlier, Deb Medlyn is a head teacher in the Child Development Laboratory, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. The CDL is a university-based preschool and child care program operated by the Department of Human and Community Development on the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign campus.

Ms. Medlyn has been an early childhood educator for 27 years. Beginning in 1976, she taught in day care until becoming a director of a title xx program in 1982. She joined the University of Illinois Child Development Program in 1985 as a head teacher in the preschool program and an instructor for the Human Community Development Department's Human Development and Family Studies internship class.

Over the years, she has taken on various responsibilities, including resident instructor, undergraduate advisor, and coordinator of the Child Life Program. As Child Development Laboratory's head teacher for the classroom of 2-year-olds, Ms. Medlyn nurtures 16 children each year. She also supervises student teachers who will work with young children in the future.

Ms. Medlyn received the 2002 College of Agricultural, Consumer, and Environmental Sciences' Professional Staff Award for Sustained Excellence. Deb has also provided numerous workshops in child care centers, parent groups, community colleges, and professional organizations.

Note that you can visit the Web site of the Child Development Laboratory (where Ms. Medlyn works!) at http://cdl.uiuc.edu/.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's the next question:

Some toddlers go from happy to explosive quickly. Is there a way to keep toddlers on a more even emotional level?

Deb Medlyn
Life can be very difficult for toddlers to manage. Toddlers often want to do things that they can't do yet or can't do for safety reasons. Often their efforts at independence lead toddlers to frustration. Some frustration is unavoidable. But too much frustration can lower a toddler's self-esteem and cause more tantrums. Adults, other children, and objects plus a feeling of being small can frustrate toddlers. Keeping frustration down to a minimum can help toddlers minimize their explosive behavior.

Acknowledge and encourage a child's feelings. Putting a child's feelings into words can do this. For example, say, "I see you are angry." Talk about the toddler's feelings so he/she knows you understand. "It hurt you when you fell. It made you sad."

Frazzled Mom
My toddler is STILL not sleeping through the night. She wakes and says she's hungry or isn't sleepy, or she cries to come in our bed and then wants to play. I think we'd all be better off if we could get a complete night's sleep!! Isn't 2 a little old not to be sleeping all night?

Deb Medlyn
Frazzled Mom, I agree, getting a full night's sleep is VERY desirable! :) I too have had this dilemma with my own children.

Make sure that you have a consistent routine every night--could be bathtime, cuddletime, or storytime. Also, what time is she going to bed and does she still nap in the afternoon?

Frazzled Mom
She is napping in the afternoon. If I don't let her nap, she's very crabby in the late afternoon and early evening. If I let her nap, she wants to go to bed late--8:30 or later even. I wish she would go to bed by 7:30 or so...

I forgot to add that she gets up at 6:00 am, no matter what time she goes to bed, it seems!!

Deb Medlyn
Frazzled Mom, this too will pass... She's in an in-between stage of outgrowing her nap, and time will take care of the situation.

Tired
I have a hard time getting my 2-year-old to sit with me so that I can read her a book. I've seen articles about how important it is to read to even very young kids, but it doesn't seem to work. What am I doing wrong?

Deb Medlyn
Tired, are you picking a book that is of interest to your child? For example, if your child is crazy about bugs, are you reading The Hungry Caterpillar or other such books? Is the story short enough...picture books or short-worded books? It may be the time that is chosen to read a book. Is there a lot of physical activity prior to reading? I have even been known to read a book during bathtime with the waterproof books and tub toys if that is a "quiet time" for them. Maybe try shorter books and a different time of day. Your child may just be more "on the go," and providing more "large motor" activities may be most effective.

Tired
Thanks for the ideas about the books. Maybe my timing is just off a little. I'll try the bathtime idea.

IELmoderator
Remember that the IEL Web site is available not only in English but also in Spanish. The Spanish home page is at http://illinoisearlylearning.org/index-sp.html

Nancy M
In your supplement, you speak of victim-centered guidance. Could you explain this type of guidance?

Deb Medlyn
Nancy, we'll answer your question soon. Its answer is detailed in a question that was asked prior to this Chat.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here are two questions that relate to victims, which are alluded to in Nancy M's question.

IELmoderator
In what ways are punitive responses to toddlers' anger ineffective?

Deb Medlyn
Some adults respond with screaming, anger, or spanking. This is a very authoritarian approach. Many cultural views support this response to a child's anger or frustration. In the short term, this approach does keep the child from doing the behavior again for the moment. But in the long run, it does not teach self-control. It teaches that adults are powerful, and it makes a child feel small and powerless.

By punishing harshly, parents frighten and humiliate the child, rather than teaching the child how to express anger more appropriately. It also teaches to not get caught doing something they shouldn't rather than stop doing the something they should not do. By spanking, an adult models hitting. Toddlers imitate what they see. So it can teach children to hit others. Also, the toddler's tantrums will often escalate when an adult responds with anger.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's the second related question: How are permissive responses to toddlers' anger ineffective?

Deb Medlyn
By choosing to ignore the behavior in a permissive manner, parents can promote chaos and negative behavior. The adult ignores disputes and other problematic behaviors, and this leads to a chaotic atmosphere. Children need some fair limits of safety and care. However, sometimes ignoring a negative behavior diminishes the behavior if the child is doing the behavior to get attention. So the parent needs to ask, "Why is the child doing the behavior?"

Caregivers also give a child attention for hitting, biting, pushing, and screaming if they immediately go to the child doing the negative behavior to another. Therefore, that child gets the attention he/she seeks. It is best to go to the victim (the one who was hit, bit, pushed, or screamed at) and help that child to express his/her feelings about being hurt directly to the child that hurt them. Then, address the other child's anger or frustration that caused him to hit, bite, or scream. Often with a frustrated child, a teacher may try to help the child express his/her feelings. The frustration may then build over the day without that release of anxiety and tension.

Identity, seeing themselves as separate beings from their parents, becomes a dominant developmental issue for toddlers. Thus, we see their need for independence and control being acted out daily. Adults are constantly saying "NO!" to toddlers or becoming involved in power struggles over issues that don't relate to a child's health or well-being. In this case, the child in a sense is getting punished for asserting himself/herself.

IELmoderator
Remember that you may send a question at any time to the IEL staff. Just email your question to iel@uiuc.edu or call us at (877) 275-3227 between 8-12 and 1-5 on business days.

Daisy
I have a hard time communicating with one of my 2-year-olds, I was wondering if the child could have a speech problem or still be developing speech? The child will be 3 in November.

Deb Medlyn
daisy, is the child appearing frustrated as well...and is he trying to talk to other children and they can't understand him? I would observe and write an anecdote trying to pick up the sounds that he may be making or not making. Is he dropping sounds?

daisy
I will watch for speech sounds; the other children seem to understand the child.

Deb Medlyn
daisy, be sure to write some anecdotes--a small paragraph about what the child has said.

Look for a pattern.

IELmoderator
Beginning in October, IEL is starting a new type of interactive forum, called Web Talks. A Web Talk is an online forum for discussion between an invited guest and the public. Prior to the event, we will post a biography of the guest and a topic summary highlighting some of the important aspects of the topic that are likely to be covered in the discussion. The event will be scheduled for a Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. During that time, questions from the public can be sent to the guest via email. The guest will answer questions on a continuing basis, and both the questions and answers will be posted on the Web site over that week. See the Chat page for more information on Web Talks: http://illinoisearlylearning.org/chat.htm#webtalkEditor's note: This url has changed: http://illinoisearlylearning.org/askanexpert.htm#pastchat.

The next scheduled event in this IEL Chat series will be a Web Talk rather than a Chat. The Web Talk is scheduled for October 6-8, 2003. The Web Talk will be "Do You Hear What I Hear? Phonological Awareness in Young Children" with Michael Marks, Education Specialist, University Primary School, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

Tired
I've seen 2-year-olds who eat everything and who eat a lot! But mine simply seems to exist on air! She doesn't look too thin, and she does take a vitamin every day, but she's really not into eating. Should I be worried, or will she eventually eat normally (which is what my mother tells me)?

Deb Medlyn
Tired, I would ask if she's had a "well-baby visit" with a pediatrician just to be sure. Then keep offering different kinds of foods without pressure for the child to eat. When parents follow good eating habits, this often rubs off on children.

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's another question:

Do you have any suggestions on dealing with a toddler who seems to be angry a lot of the time?

Deb Medlyn
Teach toddlers who are angry and acting out to use words. Express those words for the toddler if the toddler is unable to do so. Toddlers often don't have the language skills to express themselves, which can frustrate the toddler. Help the toddler to problem solve when the toddler doesn't know what to do. For example, if a tricycle wheel gets stuck and you see frustration build, say to the child, "Oh I see your tricycle is stuck! How frustrating! What can we do to get it to move? Yes. We can push it. I'll help you."

Give toddlers a consistent and age-appropriate schedule. A schedule that includes activity, rest, snack, involvement with others, meals, naptime, and bedtime will help a toddler maintain a more even keel. Give toddlers activities that challenge yet do not frustrate them.

Think: How can I minimize the child's frustrations? What frustrations will be ongoing and necessary for his/her life? What frustrations are family members going through right now? What, if any of these, are affecting my child to be frustrated, angry, or sad? How do I handle frustration? Young children model what adults do. Do I model appropriate anger, self-control, frustration, and conflict myself?

IELmoderator
Ms. Medlyn, here's an additional question:

Sometimes my toddler says "no" to absolutely every suggestion. Does it make sense to offer choices to a child who always says no?

Deb Medlyn
Yes! Yes! Keep giving choices. When a child answers "no" to your every suggestion, he/she is displaying the first signs of autonomy. That is, the toddler is beginning to see himself/herself as separate from you. Developmentally, the toddler is beginning a process of establishing his/her own identity as a person. The child realizes he/she has the right to say no. It is the toddler's declaration of independence. The strong age-2 identity is commonly displayed with an assertive "No!"

This "no" usually comes after any parent or adult request. You can rephrase your question into a statement such as "It's time to change your diaper" instead of "Do you want your diaper changed?" You could give a choice in the same situation by saying, "Do you want your diaper changed now or when you are finished drawing?" Commonly, the 2-year-old will say "no" to almost everything during this phase. The good news is that this is a phase. This behavior shall pass with time.

IELmoderator
Since we have no further questions in the queue, we'll bring tonight's Chat session to a close.

Thank you, Chat participants, for your interesting questions and also for your patience in waiting for responses. Please join us for IEL's next Chat--that is, our first Web Talk.

Once again, this Web Talk will occur from October 6-8. It will be "Do You Hear What I Hear? Phonological Awareness in Young Children" with Michael Marks, Education Specialist, University Primary School, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. More information is and will be available at http://illinoisearlylearning.org/chat.htmEditor's note: This url has changed: http://illinoisearlylearning.org/askanexpert.htm#pastchat.

Deb Medlyn
I have really enjoyed speaking with everyone this evening. I wish we had more time. Goodnight!

Frazzled Mom
Thanks, this has been very helpful and interesting.

Luis
Muchas gracias, Señora Medlyn. Adios.

IELmoderator
Thanks, Deb Medlyn, for sharing your time and knowledge tonight. Thanks also to Chat participants. Enjoy the rest of this beautiful Illinois evening.

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Additional Questions

Question
Is it realistic to expect a toddler to be able to play and share with others?

Deb Medlyn
Developmentally, toddlers cannot share. Their moral development is different from older children and adults. The toddler is purely egocentric by development, and their need is immediate--"Now!" They aren't being naughty when they don't share. They simply do not have empathy for others. Sharing means "I give up my toy." Aggressive behavior may result as the toddler interacts in this realm of thinking.

In our classroom, we provide duplicate toys because we know this concept too well. However, toddlers can and like to imitate empathy and sharing. If you model sharing, the toddler will begin to share from your example. When I interact with a toddler, I often purposefully model sharing. I will often say, "Here is a piece of playdough. Would you like it? I will share it with you." Without this modeling of sharing, toddlers simply see sharing as giving away something that is theirs: "Mine!"

Question
Is it appropriate to encourage a toddler to share things?

Deb Medlyn
Remember that developmentally the toddler is egocentric. You will hear a lot of "Me!" "Mine!" But if you model kindness and polite gestures, you will see toddlers imitate these gestures of kindness and politeness. Whenever a child won't share with another child, I always offer what I am playing with to the other child. I do this by saying, "I will share with you. I will give you some of mine." I always praise the child who does share to reinforce that positive behavior. "I liked the way you gave Tommy the block when he didn't have any blocks. It made Tommy so happy. I could tell because he had a big smile on his face."

In other sharing situations, sometimes I say, for example, "Look. Joe doesn't have any cookie cutters. Look at his face. He looks sad. He is not smiling and is about to cry. Does anyone have extra cookie cutters they can give to Joe? Other times I say, for example, "Sue, you have all the cookie cutters. Poor Joe doesn't have any cookie cutters. You need to give Joe a cookie cutter." If the child says "No," I say, "The cookie cutters belong to all children here at school. You need to give Joe one, or I will pick one of the cookie cutters you are playing with to give him."

Still in another situation, when I am sitting with other children and all the chairs are taken, I will say, "I'll share my chair with you. Would you like my chair?" I stand up and offer my chair, and the child usually wants to sit down.

Question
Is it a problem if toddlers don't seem to want to play with others?

Deb Medlyn
Toddlers often play independently. It is very typical of toddlers to like to play alone in a classroom. The child may like to take toys to a corner and play where no one will disturb him or her. Some toddlers like to just sit and watch others. At this age, the child is a great imitator of everything seen and thus learns a great deal by observing other people. It is very valuable for toddlers to have opportunities to think and develop their own ideas through play by themselves.

Young children begin their play in a solitary fashion. Later, they begin parallel play, which is playing beside but not with another child. Next is associative play, where children play together. Cooperative play is the progression to playing together with role assigning and planning. An example of cooperative play can be seen in a hospital dramatic play where each child has a different role choice of doctor, nurse, or patient. Each role is played out through the children's discussions. The age that the different types of play emerge depends on the individual child. In most toddler classrooms, solitary, parallel, and some associative play can be observed. Solitary play is a very normal stage of play for toddlers.

When the toddler first begins to want to play with others, the toddler may not have a lot of experience in how to act with another toddler. The toddler may not know to say "Hi" to another child or "Can I play with you?" Instead, the toddler's first attempt to play with another is often to touch, push, or hit. It certainly gets the child's attention! Because experience with other children gives the child opportunities to learn social skills, play groups or just exposure to other children can be very beneficial to the toddler.

Question
What can a teacher or parent do if a toddler who's just learning to interact with other children is aggressive to them?

Deb Medlyn
Teachers can help those children use words to express those feelings and learn how to respond to other's aggressive acts. The parent can also point out as well as the teacher that someone got hurt and how that wasn't right and how sad it made that child. If another toddler hurts your toddler in school, support your child, teachers, and aggressor. Discuss with your toddler appropriate behavior to respond to the situation, such as saying, "No!" with a loud voice. Often this stops an aggressor. Then a teacher can continue to allow the two children with her assistance to express their hurt and interpret the situation to both children. In this manner, both children begin to learn how to handle their own conflicts and how to play with others.

Parents who discuss the aggressive act, explain the action of the other child, express both children's feelings with empathy, explain the teacher's role in helping both children, and give the child further assistance in how to handle the situation in the future (such as using words) build a child's sense of competence. This approach further helps a child to handle his/her own conflicts successfully. This in turn builds independence, confidence, self-esteem, and social skills--playing with others.

Question
Is it appropriate to punish or reward toddlers for their behavior?

Deb Medlyn
It is appropriate to guide toddlers with positive reinforcement rather than rewards or punishment, such as praising the child specifically for positive behavior. If you use general praise such as "Good job!" and say the same phrase too often, it becomes ineffective. For example, if I praise you for an act of kindness, at first you feel good about what you just did, and it will reinforce you to do it again. But If I praise you everyday saying the same general phrase, soon it will lose its good feeling effect on you. Using a more effective praise would sound something like this: "I liked how you rolled your ball with Tommy. You were sharing. It made Tommy smile. He was so happy."

Question
Can you explain the difference between internal and external praise?

Deb Medlyn
Equally as important as specific praising, turning some praising around so it comes internally from the child allows the child to not have to seek approval always from others. Internal praising sounds like this: "You should be so proud of yourself. You threw your napkin in the trash all by yourself. Wow!"

External praising comes from other people. For example, external praise would sound like this: "I liked that you put your napkin in the trash. It helps Mommy when you do that. I am so proud of you." Another example of internal praising is the following: "Oh, I bet you are so proud of these colors you chose. Tell me about your picture." Both external and internal praising are appropriate to say. However, one should use a combination of the two so the child gets a good balance of inner and outer approval.

Question
Is there any research on the effects of rewards on children?

Deb Medlyn
Research results show that rewards actually diminish the behavior you are trying to promote. They may motivate an immediate positive response but then begin to decline the behavior you desire. Children should do something they are intrinsically motivated to do because they themselves are interested in doing it. The desire comes from the inner self.

Punishment often breeds resentment and anger from the child. It stops the behavior at the time, so it seems effective to parents. However, children don't really learn to stop the behavior in the long term. They don't really learn to stop the behavior or why they should even stop the behavior. However, they do learn to sneak around and to not get caught. Toddlers learn that authority figures are powerful and big, making them feel powerless and little at a time they need to have a good self-concept for the autonomy they crave by development.

Punishment also does not teach children inner techniques to acquire their own self-control because the adult is controlling the behavior. Remove the controlling adult for a short time, and the negative behaviors escalate. The child has not learned to self-regulate because the control has come from outside of the self.

Question
What are some effective ways caregivers can respond to help toddlers manage their anger or frustration?

Deb Medlyn
Caregivers can first model appropriate behavior such as sympathy, kindness, giving, empathy, helping, accepting, sharing, and politeness. Very importantly, caregivers can speak their emotions. For example, a caregiver can say, "I see you are angry! You wanted that toy. I know. But it belongs to someone else." Another example of teaching emotions is saying, "I know you are angry with me right now. But I can't let you run out in the street. You would get hurt by a car if I did. I can see how angry you are with me. It is all right to be angry, but I'm not going to let you get hurt."

A caregiver can give toddlers words to say to speak their emotion such as, "You look angry. Are you angry? If you are angry, say, 'I'm angry.'" Being able to express their feelings in words and be understood deflates anger and frustration. If another child hits them, remind them to use words instead of hitting back. If they are sad, tell them to say, "Stop" or "No."

Then progress as the child gets more verbal to say, "I don't like it." Then add "I'm sad" or "I'm angry." Then add "I don't like to be hit. It hurts me." If a child is not yet verbal consistently, model the words to use for him/her. Praise those children who use their words to express themselves. Present activities to teach the emotions of happy, sad, angry, surprised, scared, tired, and frustrated.

Question
It is helpful to have toddlers say "I'm sorry" when they've done something inappropriate?

Deb Medlyn
Toddlers may or may not repeat "sorry" when modeled. It can be frustrating for a toddler to be forced to say "I am sorry" when it has no meaning for that child. Toddlers have not yet developed the empathy in their moral development to have any feeling connected to the "I'm sorry" or even repeat it. However, one day, with consistent repetition, they will say it.

Do not make children this age say they are sorry. To make toddlers say it would be to make them say it without true understanding and the ability to feel the other person's feelings. Yet caregivers can model acts of empathy along with polite words such as "excuse me," "please," and "thank you," and toddlers will imitate these behaviors and say them long before they have matured empathy.

Question
Are there things a caregiver can do to help toddlers avoid getting frustrated?

Deb Medlyn
Caregivers can offer choices. Adults always telling toddlers what to do frustrates toddlers. Adults tell them what they can and cannot do at a time when they are developing autonomy--self-identity. Toddlers start to see themselves as separate from others. They are becoming individual persons with wants and needs all their own.

With choices, toddlers get to exercise this autonomy. They are more apt to do the things you have to tell them to do because you've given them some control in deciding the little matters (such as which chair they want to sit in or what color of paper they want).

Provide activities that provide success and challenge instead of frustration. Observe the toddlers under your care. What are they able to do and not do? Where are they in their social, emotional, fine motor, large motor, cognitive, creative, and language skills. Provide activities they are interested in at the time. If a child likes airplanes, present activities with airplanes. For example, it could be naming parts of the plane to promote language.

If your activity causes frustration, simplify the activity. If supervised child-safe scissors are frustrating to cut paper with and the child wants to cut and is almost ready to cut, allow child-safe scissors to cut playdough. Cue into the toddler and choose your activities from what the child is doing and his/her interests instead of choosing the teacher's interests and teacher themes.

Question
I have problems at times of transitions. Is there anything special that can be done then?

Deb Medlyn
Give toddlers cues to help with transitions. I give a verbal warning that it is almost time for cleanup. Then I sing a cleanup song to signal cleanup time. I sing a transition song to come and sit on the rug for group time. I also have a greeting and departure song signaling the end of group time. I sing a song about the time to pass out snack necklaces and to get ready to wash hands with soap and water. Then the children who were wearing necklaces take them off, which means snack time is over and it's time to wash hands and then play. At snack, I talk about the next transition coming up, which for my class is inside choice time.

Use few but necessary clear limits (rules) in your classroom for fairness and safety. For me, it is important to have limits that promote respect for children, teachers, and materials. Every adult in the classroom needs to know these limits and be consistent with them. I have my limits posted in the room and in handout form for parents, student teachers, and teacher substitutes. Be loving but firm in setting the limits.

Remain calm with self-control to model appropriate anger. If you are angry, say, "I am angry." For example, it makes me angry when a child bites another child. Give the toddler an opportunity to "save face" if you get in a power struggle. That is, "give them an out." Sometimes I switch teachers, which changes the mood of the child.

Sometimes I use humor. For an angry child who won't put on her/his coat, I might say, "Okay it's time to put your coat on your feet." Oftentimes I get a smile and a giggle as the child says, "You don't put your coat on your feet. You put it on your body." I have helped the anger and frustration to descend to where the child and I can communicate once again with calm and reasoning.

Question
What are some developmental characteristics that result in toddlers' frustration and anger?

Deb Medlyn
Toddlers have many developmental behaviors that can easily frustrate and anger them. Toddlers do not have the ability to control impulsive behavior to delay gratification. Toddlers do not have the ability to communicate clearly with others--to send effective messages about their needs and wants and to understand another's verbal and body language messages.

Toddlers have difficulty with the ability to take another's point of view--to understand another's feelings, needs, and intent or meaning. Toddlers have difficulty identifying cause-and-effect relationships and predicting the likely effect of their behavior. The abilities to generate and evaluate alternative solutions to a problem are also difficult. Top this off with a need for autonomy, and you have the makings for a lot of anger and frustration. But teachers and caregivers can help prevent some of these strong feelings in the group setting.

Question
What steps can teachers or caregivers take to help minimize toddlers' anger or frustration either in the physical set-up or in the schedule of activities they plan?

Deb Medlyn
There are many steps that a teacher or caregiver can take to help minimize a toddler's frustration and anger. The teacher or caregiver should try to prevent as many conflicts as possible. Conflicts can be prevented by setting up materials such that each child participating has one of everything. One of anything is always disastrous, so have duplicates.

The materials such as chairs and toys at an activity define the number of children allowed at an activity. Limit the number of children in any given area, especially very popular or active areas. Teachers and caregivers can anticipate conflicts and intervene so as to prevent problems before they occur. Recognize, acknowledge, and diffuse emotions involved in a conflict first. Children can't listen and learn while their anger or hurt is still overwhelming to them.

Offer interpretations. That is, help each child see the other's point of view, meaning, feelings, needs, etc. Offer suggestions to encourage more communication techniques. Give them words to use. Offer cause-and-effect explanations before and after both successful and unsuccessful situations. Redirect a toddler to nonsocial activity before she/he has had too many unsuccessful interactions with others in the same time period. Offer possible solutions to a problem and encourage the child to suggest possibilities and evaluate them.

Add consistency in a schedule. Toddlers will expect schedule by repetition. Give cues to transitions such as a cleanup song and hello and goodbye songs in group. Have as few transitions as possible. Give toddlers choices throughout the day to give them a sense of control that they desperately seek at this age. Present activities the child is interested in so that the child has the opportunity to be intrinsically motivated by his/her choice of activities.

Question
What kinds of behavior fall outside the range of typical for toddlers--behavior that might signal specialized services might be necessary?

Deb Medlyn
It is difficult and sometimes impossible to diagnosis a behavior to be outside the range of typical behavior of toddlers. Every toddler is individual in the time line of their development. It would also take careful observation of the whole child in all of the seven developmental areas (social, emotional, cognitive, fine motor, gross motor, creative, and language).

It would be best to write concerns with observation and journals showing the behavior in question. Parents should take their concerns to their caregiver or doctor to discuss. A caregiver should write concerns and document through observation, journal, or a child's portfolio and present the documentation to the parent at a parent conference or at a scheduled meeting with a parent to work out solutions. Often early documentation can help signal a need for early intervention without a diagnosis. Documentation has even assisted reaching a diagnosis at a later age of ADD or ADHD.

Question
Is it important for a caregiver/teacher to discuss a toddler behavior with parents?

Deb Medlyn
Yes. It is important to keep the lines of communication going so both parent and caregiver can work on the problem consistently. It is important to talk about challenging behaviors such as biting and temper tantrums. Together, caregivers and parents can work to figure out why the behavior might be happening and what everyone can do to consistently deal with the behavior in order to diminish it. Together, caregivers and parents discuss and work on behaviors that will lead them to effective ways to guide the child in order to build the child's self-control and self-esteem.

It is also important to discuss a child's positive behavior at school each day. Positive reinforcement and praise builds positive behavior, and sharing this with parents will further encourage that positive behavior we wish to see repeated consistently.

Question
Are there times when it is not a good idea to do so?

Deb Medlyn
If a child is punished every time a caregiver tells the parent about a negative behavior, I refrain from telling a parent for awhile. Then I work on parent education through handouts, parent newsletters, or a bulletin board about effective guidance versus punishment. Also, I wait to tell a parent until after I have several observations of examples supporting my concerns. I would share these observations and discuss effective guidance versus punishment in a parent conference when I had completed my observations for examples, so I presented a clear picture of the whole child with strengths and weaknesses.

Some parents may be in the denial stage and may not be able to see the reality of their child's behavior. This is a difficult situation for parent and teacher. Parents often need to observe the child in the setting themselves, acquire their own parent education, seek outside evaluations, and be given time before even beginning to leave the denial stage to acceptance.

Question
Is "time-out" an effective disciplinary method for toddlers?

Deb Medlyn
I've only timed a child out maybe five times in 18 years of working with toddlers when I felt it would be productive for the child to regroup himself, calm down, and be redirected after having repeated physical conflicts with other children. The problem with time-out is it is often not done properly. It is done as a punishment by inappropriate angry caregivers or parents.

Time-out is a time to say to the child, "Things just aren't going well today. Sue got bit. The table blocks got thrown at Bill. Tommy got hit on the head. Children got hurt. I can't let you hurt children. It hurts and makes them sad. Let's start over. We'll pick out a book, and I'll read to you so you can settle down. Let me feel your heart beat. It's really going fast with all your racing around. Let's sit down here so you can calm down. When you calm down for awhile, then you can play." I sit with the child and read. Then I praise the child for good behavior while we read and then let the child pick a soothing activity such as sensory area or fine motor area play.

Question
Are there time limits to "time-out"?

Deb Medlyn
If time-out is used as a toddler being put in a chair for a length of time, it is not being done appropriately. Most toddlers won't stay on the chair by themselves. A caregiver or parent may say something like "Now you just think about what you've done." Well, a toddler is egocentric by development and doesn't have the moral development to feel empathy as older children do. So the child is thinking only about getting off the chair or maybe how to bother the child nearby.

There is a time limit now for how long a child can be timed out. Years ago caregivers would give a child more time on the chair if he/she got off. The child would keep doing it because the child could not keep from doing it. Sometimes it became a game for getting the caregiver's attention. Often the same child was timed out repeatedly. That alone is telling the caregiver and parent that time-out in this manner is not working.

When time-out is being used properly, it teaches a child how to calm down and when they need to calm themselves down. So you are teaching internal self-control rather than controlling a child's behavior as an authority figure. I also believe in using time-out only when truly necessary. It is the last guidance technique I use with most children and after I have exhausted all my other options. I prefer to praise appropriate behavior (catch them being good), give choices, allow verbal expression of behavior, use redirection, or offer consequences for negative behavior. Again, in this manner, I am more apt to incite inner self-control using these guidance techniques.

Question
What's going on socially or emotionally with children this age that can make them so challenging to rear or to care for?

Deb Medlyn
The toddler is gaining a strong sense of self as an individual and as evidenced by their responding "No" to adult requests. Adults will need to recognize that constantly testing limits and expressing opposition (No!) to adults is part of a child's developing a healthy sense of self as a separate autonomous individual. Toddlers exhibit contrasting states and mood shifts. They go from stubborn to compliant easily.

The toddler is very egocentric. The toddler is often heard saying "Me! Me!" or "Mine!" This child often sees others as a barrier to his or her immediate gratification. Toddlers like to hoard, collect, and carry objects about. They have difficulty sharing because they see sharing as giving up what is theirs and they have not developed empathy for others. They may prefer to play alone and parallel with another child but not with them (as in associative play).

Toddlers have limited language to communicate their needs. They have increased fearfulness of such things as the dark and monsters but may not be able to express those fears. This frequently fuels displays of aggressive behaviors. They may hit, pull hair, bite, and scratch others due to an inability to express feelings with words. They need an adult to help interpret and express their needs and model words to use to facilitate their social and emotional development.

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