I have a two-year-old in my group who is aggressive with the other children, sometimes biting or hitting. When I try to talk to his parents, they just say "He's never like that at home." Any suggestions?

Karen Stephens
First, trust the parents' honesty. The child may not conduct himself at home as he does at child care, especially if he doesn't have a sibling that requires him to share toys or his parents' attention at home.

Second, look for the positive. Tell them it's good to hear he doesn't use aggression at home. Use it as an opportunity to ask how they handle discipline at home; particularly how do they help reduce his frustration and control his impulses at home.

Third, you really have no control over what a child does at home. Home environment and behavior can be informative; for instance, I like to know if there are money or marriage worries that might weigh heavily on a child's mind, and therefore behavior. But your primary challenge appears to be on ways to "coach" the child in achieving wants and desires without aggression. Early childhood programs are perfect for "setting the stage" for such learning.

Start with documenting specific aggressive incidents, such as how often, and in what situations the child's impulse control weakens and leads to harming someone. Reflect on that documentation. Is he aggressive at specific times of day or during specific activities? Are there enough engaging activities and resources in the room so children don't have to "fight" to get their fair share? Is the child otherwise healthy; do you think the child is getting enough daily sleep and food? Is your daily schedule too busy, rushed or, on the other hand, boring. (Bored children do find something engaging to do; often not things we'd like.) All those questions can inform as to the possible cause of the child's behavior.

However, once you're assured your environment sets the stage for positive interactions, turn to coaching the child on alternatives to biting or hitting. PREVENTION is what you want to find. Observe closely, when you sense tensions building, go over and help model constructive verbal dialogue. Help children "translate" their emotions into language. You might also set the standard for the classroom: "I want children in my room to be safe. Find a way to disagree without hurting each other." You want to ROLE MODEL respectful ways of addressing others, whether in times of conflict or not.

Conflict is also a perfect time to teach children beginning steps toward problem solving: "It looks like you both want to play in the block area, so why do I hear yelling? Tell me what the problem is." And then simply, according to children's abilities, go through the typical problem solving stages, which include: Identify the problem. Gather information from each child's point of view. Brainstorm and help children generate simple solutions. Use questions to move brainstorming along, such as: What have you already tried to solve this? "What might happen if we:_______. Cooperatively decide on a specific plan to settle the issue. Observe to see if the plan works. If it doesn't, start intervention again.

For children who chronically turn to aggression to express themselves, I've sometimes tried to help them find alternatives. "When you feel like biting, try ___________ instead." Depending on the child, it might be take a deep breath, hug a teddy bear tight, or use short "self-talk" such as, "Words not teeth." (Self-talk is an amazing behavior regulator for children as well as adults.)

Do keep parents informed of the steps you take to help a child learn alternatives to aggression. And DO encourage the parents to observe in the classroom if possible. Parents really can learn a lot from watching skilled caregivers and teachers interact with children.

Remember, we've studied child development in preparation for our jobs; that's not required of parents. Early childhood professionals have a lot of wisdom to pass onto parents. And visa versa. Regular communication to update each other on a child's progress helps the process along.

Some books that may be useful are No Biting: Policy and Practice for Toddler Programs by Gretchen Kinnel; Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelson, Cheryl Erwin and Roslyn Duffy; So This Is Normal Too?; Teachers and Parents Working Out Developmental Issues in Young Children by Deborah Hewitt.

Also, Karen Miller, author of Ages and Stages, writes well about causes of biting and solutions. She and Jim Greenman have written articles for Child Care Information Exchange on the topic. You can access those at http://www.ChildCareExchange.com by going to "Article Archives." It allows you to search for articles by topic or author name.

Karen Stephens
Operate from a position of trust. The parents may THINK they are being consistent at home; but just aren't aware of when consistency slips. It appears your issue is more about the toilet training, than about parents lying. So I'd like to address that.

When YOU see abundant readiness signs for toilet training, ask for a meeting with parents to make a JOINT decision on readiness. That makes you PARTNERS on the same side.

Some parents really may not know what readiness signs to look for. They'll need your expertise for that. When making a decision to start, outline how a "ready" child benefits, such as a new found sense of independence, competence, and pride. Bringing up the saved money spent on diapers, and saved time for parents in changing them, isn't a bad idea, either. (Smile Smile).

There is a wealth of resources on toilet teaching, including books for providers, parents, and children. In the Parenting Exchange Library (http://www.ChildCareExchange.com) under Parent Resources, I have a list of articles written FOR parents on toilet training.

Following are some resources for parents and early childhood professionals:

• Parents Book of Toilet Teaching by Joanna Cole
• Toilet Training Without Tears by Charles Schaefer & Theresa DiGeronimo (addresses potty-training especially resistant children and those with disabilities)
• Practical Parenting Toilet Training by Vicki Lansky
• Potty Training Your Baby by Katie Van Pelt
• No More Diapers! by Joae Graham Brook

And here are some children's books on toilet learning:

• Annie's Potty by Judith Caseley
• Once Upon a Potty by Alona Frankel (one book for boys, one for girls.)
• Your New Potty by Joanna Cole
• The Toddler's Potty Book by Alida Allison
• Bye-Bye; Diapers by Ellen Weiss
• What Do You Do With A Potty? by Marianne Borgardt
• Dry Days, Wet Nights by Maribeth Boelts (helps kids cope with bedwetting)
• I Want My Potty by Tony Ross
• On Your Potty! by Virginia Miller
• Princess and the Potty by Wendy Lewison
• I'm a Big Kid Now by Joae Graham Brook

IEL Editor
Note that there are two IEL Tip Sheet on Toilet Training:

• No More Diapers: Getting Started
  Spanish: No más pañales: Cómo empezar
  Polish
• No More Diapers: Is Your Child Ready?
  Spanish: No más pañales: ¿Está listo su hijo?
  Polish

Jeannie
This is for a friend who doesn't have email access. A four-year-old boy in her program has some unusual behaviors and doesn't seem to get on at all with other children. (It's a mixed age classroom.) He is smaller than many of them but bigger than some. He drops wooden blocks on other children's heads without warning and for no apparent reason. He shoves other children, again without apparent provocation, and at rest time he disrupts the whole group by standing on his cot and yelling about bad things happening at his house. (A big bear is going to my house!—over and over.) There's more, but to make a long story short—there are reasons to be concerned about this child and for the other children, because he might really hurt someone if one of those shoves came on the playground climber. The problem is that the parents, who are both human services professionals, don't seem to take the teacher's concerns seriously. They have years of professional training and that's what they use to back themselves up: "He's just a late bloomer" and that sort of thing. The word she used is "dismissed"—she feels that they definitely love the child but feel that she basically doesn't know as much as they do. She is on the verge of telling them she thinks he needs more than the program can provide. Can you suggest a way to get through to the parents, who aren't taking the concerns seriously? Thanks for doing this Web talk thing.

Karen Stephens
Jeannie, I respond assuming that the child care professional involved offers a developmentally appropriate program and has used typical positive guidance methods to coach this child in respecting others and in impulse control.

If the above is the case, it seems that the CAREGIVER's biggest issue is being under-valued and dismissed by the two human service professional parents involved. It's not unusual for any parent to "resist" hearing their child might have a behavior problem, even those who are "trained." It's often a rude awakening to find that children challenge us no matter how skilled or prepared we are. Each child is an individual with his/her own temperament.

If a parent "dismisses" concerns about a child's behavior and interactions with others, remember that for some "seeing is sometimes believing." Try these steps:

1. Have your staff observe carefully and record specific incidents you deem important to document. Reviewing time of day, situation, peers involved, activities involved can help plan preventive strategies or help you target your guidance approach.

2. If possible, and if your program has written parent permission to do so, video tape the child's interactions—both prosocial as well as aggressive.

3. As a staff, clarify and set goals for THEIR guidance techniques with the child as well as goals for the child's social competence. If all reasonable strategies you use fail to limit the child's impulsive, aggressive interactions, take steps to build a partnership with the parents to approach the issue.

4. Ask for a private parent conference so that you and the parents can both help find solutions to the child's aggression. If parents know a child might be alienating other children, and even staff members, with his/her behavior; they may be more motivated to work cooperatively with you. It is a child care professional's perfect right to ask for help from parents in creating a safe, engaging environment for all children. If necessary, a child care professional must be prepared to respectfully refuse to be dismissed by parents. Out of ethical concerns for a child's development and other children's safety, an early childhood professional is honor-bound to pursue remedies with parents to reduce physical and emotional injuries that take place at child care.

5. Ideally both parents should be present at a parent-teacher conference, but one is better than no meeting at all. The child should not be in the conference.

6. Share your concern about the child's emotional-social development. Be sure to reassure them that you want to help their child develop self-control and good "friendship" skills so he or she gets the full benefit of playing and learning with peers. It's important that the parents don't feel attacked or blamed. Do your best to avoid "emotional" phrases in describing behavior. Simply state actions and responses and avoid name calling a child or parents. You want to de-escalate stress, and encourage objective listening as much as possible.

7. Be prepared to discuss what is, and is not, typical social behavior for a child of this age.

8. Be prepared to discuss developmental progress, and the influence of children's individual inborn temperament on behavior. The parents may be right. The child may be a slow bloomer, or what in temperament research and writing calls "slow-to-warm up temperament" or "difficult/challenging/spirited temperament." But REGARDLESS of temperament or pace of development, children CAN and NEED to learn how to interact with others without hurting them.

9. In the conference, share the documentation of specific aggressive incidents to validate your cause for concern. Also encourage the parents to take time to first-hand observe their child in the classroom for a one- to two-hour period. If the parents can't do that, consider sharing some video tape illustrating examples of your concerns. Seeing the written documentation, and "seeing" the child in action, may help overcome a parent's resistance to believing their child would hurt others. Make sure you don't convey you feel the child is a "hopeless" case. Just admit you need parent assistance to help the child to the best of your abilities.

10. The books, Understanding Temperament: Strategies for Creating Family Harmony by Lyndall Shick, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, and So This Is Normal Too?: Teachers and Parents Working Out Developmental Issues in Young Children by Deborah Hewitt may be helpful.

You might also check out the Temperament Learning Center web site at http://www.kidtemp.com and the temperament articles from The Preventive Ounce at http://www.preventiveoz.org. There are also staff training as well as parenting books on teaching children conflict resolution.

11. Also be prepared to give parents referrals to family or child therapists IF you truly believe the child has emotional problems that may cause the inappropriate behavior. (I mention this because of your mention of "fantastic stories" he tells at naptime about fearful experiences at home. However, it could be the child is bored at nap and is finding some way to get attention, unfortunately an inappropriate way.)

Best of luck, Karen

Jeannie

This is not a question, but an appreciation: the way you start your responses—with an assertion that we need to trust the parents—is so helpful. I guess my previous question was about what to do when parents don't quite trust US—but you are making an important point about having faith that parents are doing their best to do right for/by/with their children.

One of the little boys in my care displays some of the classic symptoms of autism. I know early intervention is important if he is autistic. How can I tactfully approach his parents about having him evaluated?

Karen Stephens
You are right; early intervention is always best. Before you approach the parents with your concerns, there's some homework to do. What leads to your concerns? It can't be hunches; but specific observations. Record the observation and the date.

Second, do some research. Find information about identifying autism that is written in a PARENT-FRIENDLY style. Make a copy to share with the parents for your next meeting with them.

Also make a plan for intervention that parents can consider. Have resources, referrals (and if applicable support group information) in writing to give to parents-in their native language if necessary. Try to provide toll free numbers and information of sliding-fee services to help parents "follow through" on your recommended investigations. Try to limit their obstacles in getting the help their child needs.

Remember, you don't want to "drop" a worry in parents' lap and then fail to give them positive ways to respond. Sharing problems can lead to a sense of hopelessness if we don't also show parents wise steps to take as their child's first and foremost advocate.

Before you speak with the parents, prepare yourself emotionally. It's EXTREMELY hard for a parent to hear their child may have a serious disability. Their natural instinct is denial. They even go through a period of "grief" out of worry for their child-and the "lost dream" of having a "perfect" child. We know that no child is "perfect," but it is still a fundamental dream for parents, especially first time parents.

Request a conference with the parents, proposing a time and location that is convenient and calm for all. Thank them for visiting. Make it clear that you have some concerns, but also some positive, feasible ways to address them.

In terms of autism, most early childhood professionals aren't qualified to make that diagnosis—only key into symptoms. To help parents be more "open" to getting a psychologist's opinion, be prepared to agree to have the child tested or observed in your site. This is especially helpful for low-income working parents who don't have opportunities for many days off work.

One of my children has parents from another country. When I try to discuss problems with them, they smile and nod at me but I feel we're not really communicating. How can I improve my interaction with them?

Karen Stephens
It's astute and sensitive of you to realize you probably aren't communicating clearly. Working with families for whom English is a second language brings many delightful gifts to a classroom community. But there are some real obstacles to communication to overcome.

Do remember that a lot of communication is non-verbal. A smile and a tilt or nod of the head goes a long way toward welcoming communication and putting people at ease. When I've worked with families just learning English, even rudimentary sign language has helped.

Take time to learn about the family's particular culture and how they communicate—especially non-verbally. Do they consider shaking hands too intimate? Is direct eye contact welcomed or considered hostile? Cultures vary in terms of what is or is not acceptable in communication and how respect is shown to another person. To find out what is typical for your family's culture, read books or try to locate someone from their country/culture that you can speak with.

To set children and families at ease, and make them feel a sense of "belonging," reflect people and things that "look like them." For instance, diversity should be reflected in the children's books, dress-up clothes, meals/snacks served and the like. But NEVER can a facility and equipment take the PLACE of sincere HUMAN connection. If you respect parents and are sincerely eager to establish bonds with them; they will get the message.

If at all possible, try to have your materials, like parent handbook and newsletters, translated into their native language. Most non-English speaking families I've worked with really want to master English; after all, they are frustrated about communication and self-expression issues, too. But, for true understanding, having materials in the parents' native language goes a long way toward ENHANCING all information.

When you have parent-teacher group meetings, or family social events, try to include someone who can speak the family's language so they can help them gracefully join in the conversation and understand what is happening.

And last, I've always found it every helpful to just admit my own ignorance. I just tell people I've never been to their country and would love to learn more about it. Families are almost always flattered to answer questions, even if a translator is needed.

When first meeting a family from Thailand, our staff had to ask a lot of questions, from childrearing habits in feeding and independence to what the scenery in Thailand was like. The information we gained was fascinating.

And I'll never forget the most delightful memory I have of that family. When it snowed for the first time that winter; the mom, dad and their three-year-old son all went out into our play yard at once and just gazed up into the sky. None had ever SEEN it snow before. WHAT a moment that was; a family enjoying the same magical discovery all at once. Diversity makes our job so interesting; never a dull day so to speak. It makes me remember why I love working in this field so much!

Following are some helpful resources for working with non-English speaking families:

• One Child, Two Languages by Patton Tabors
• Developing Cross-Cultural Competence by Eleanor Lynch and Marci Hanson
• Multicultural Issues in Child Care by Janet Gonsalez-Mena and Dianne Widmeyer Eyer
• Child in the Family and the Community by Janet Gonzalez-Mena and Janet Emerita

Sometimes I hear parents talk to their children who are in my care in very insulting or dismissive ways, calling them stupid or hopeless. Are there good ways to impress on them how harmful this behavior can be?

Karen Stephens
Oh, it is painful to hear a child "put down" by a parent. For some parents, it's simply the way they were treated themselves as children. And some truly don't realize that how we TALK with children does affect their self-concept and the degree to which they like or don't like themselves.

First, be a good ROLE MODEL. Try to let a parent overhear you guiding children's behavior or giving feedback to them without name-calling.

Also, make sure you always use positive dialogue with the parent when you speak with them. For instance, saying "You're really a bully with your child," or "You are ruining his self esteem," doesn't model a DIFFERENT way of addressing issues.

There are ways to help parents reflect on how self esteem in nurtured and supported in children. For instance, short articles written for parents in newsletters may "reach" a parent. The journal Young Children (National Association for the Education of Young Children) and Child Care Information Exchange (http://www.ChildCareExchange.com are good sources to turn to for articles. In the Resources section of this WebTalk there are also web sites parents can explore for information.

Hosting a parent training in which self-esteem is the topic is another way. Parent-teacher meetings (we hold them monthly) could also address what the parents have found to be successful ways for building self esteem.

Even sharing a children's book that looks at self-esteem from the CHILD'S point of view can help a parent see things differently. For instance, Leo, the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus is a book I share with parents to help them empathize with children. I'm also a big fan of Judith Viorst's classic Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Consider establishing a parent lending library and stocking it with some titles on children's self esteem. In a casual way, you could tell the parent it's a good read they may be interested in. However, if a parent was severely undermining a child's self esteem and mental health, I'd be more direct and ask for a meeting in which I would share the book.

There's more you can do to help parents VALUE the hard work children put into their projects and activities at child care or school. Many parents misunderstand children's play. When parents arrive or depart, or during a parent conference, share a child's painting, or a photo of a block building. Consider taking time to discuss with the parent all the wonderful "thinking skills" children put to use during play. It can help them see that children aren't "stupid" after all.

I remember a time when a parent arrived to child care and her son ran to her with his painting "just for her." The mom took one look and as they left, she dropped it in the garbage can like another piece of litter.

Yes, that dismissive behavior was hard to witness. BUT it INFORMED me. So now I'm sure that our program staff explains the value of children's artwork and even give suggestions for displaying it at home.

Heather
I have a 15-month-old who has been pushing his daycare mates from behind and knocking them over. The caregiver is concerned he will hurt them and has been putting him in his pack-n-play in order to "discipline" him for his behavior. First I do not agree with this form of discipline as I do not think he is capable of totally understanding he is doing wrong, rather he is testing his independence. I do, however, want to help her handle the situation by making a better recommendation that I can live with. I know this can be a "stage" of development he is testing. Do you have any suggestions? There are six kids in his classroom, ages 8 months to 15 months. There are two care providers. He isn't angry. He in fact is laughing as he thinks the reactions are funny. He is generally a very happy child. The only other thing I have trouble with him is that he pulls my hair, and when he is teething he tries to clamp down on my shoulder. He hasn't tried to bite anyone else, but I am afraid it's coming. Any suggestions?

Karen Stephens
Heather, at 15 months, I'm betting your child is very interested in "cause and effect" and getting a sense of how he can impact others. The behavior you describe, from experimental pushing, to hair pulling and the urge to bite your shoulder while teething is NOT unusual for a child of his age and stage.

I agree with you that the caregiver placing him in a "pack and play" whenever he pushes is not an effective "teaching strategy." It stops the behavior, but it doesn't help your child learn what is appropriate to push and what/who is not. Nor does it help him learn to control himself rather than being restrained by the play pen. Most of all, he needs time to continuing interacting with others so he can see and LEARN how peers respond after being pushed. Isolating stops the process of teaching your child alternative ways to interact with peers.

There should be a consequence to your child pushing others; I just don't think isolation is the answer. The essence of discipline and guidance is TO TEACH, not to "punish." It sounds as if the pack-and-play is being used more like a time out placement than a teaching tool.

First a resource suggestion to view and then share with the teacher: A video by Margie Carter called "Time with Toddlers: Training for Caregivers." It's about 25 minutes long and worth every penny of its $53 cost. (Can be purchased from Harvest Resources at http://www.ecetrainers.com.) That video goes over typical toddler behavior and suggests a variety of response options for staff.

Kay Albrect and Karen Miller are both authors that have books out about toddler development, too. Things to Do with Toddler and Twos by Karen Miller, and her book Ages and Stages, both give nice overviews on the causes, and suggested responses, for such typical toddler behavior.

As an alternative to isolating the child, you could suggest:

1. Kneeling to child's eye-level and using facial expression and words to express concern over the hurt child. Attend to the PUSHED child before giving attention to your own child. That way you help your child learn he won't get your immediate attention by hurting someone else. AND you are MODELING empathy for the pushed child's feelings. You want to help your child GRADUALLY learn to see things from another's perspective. That's one of the MAJOR objectives of toddler development—moving beyond just your own point of view.

2. Encourage your child to take note of the "non-verbal" discomfort cues other children respond with when hurt, "Look, your pushing hurt Jason. He's crying. Here's a Kleenex for his tears."

3. As much as possible, INVOLVE your child is making amends to the pushed child. For instance, ask your child to help Jason get up off the ground.

4. PREVENT as much as possible. Have available items that can be "pushed." If you feel like pushing, here's a ___________ (play wagon, cart or wheel toy). I won't allow you to push other children."

5. Firmly establish and repeat limits in words your child understands. Toddlers need lots of repetition for them to remember things and to gain control of impulses. At 15 months, a child understands a lot of words that he can't yet produce himself. So he can understand when a limit is stated, such as any of the following (but NOT all at once as it would overload a toddler): "You may not push, Johnny. It hurts him."

6. Redirect by helping child find another way to play." If your child appears clueless, (as he well may), suggest he stack and build with some plastic or cloth blocks. Tell him he CAN push over the plastic blocks, but not other children.

7. Determine with the teacher WHY your child may be pushing. Is it for attention? Is he getting adequate attention for behaving appropriately? etc.

8. Sometimes an exploratory "stage" lasts only a few weeks, but seems likes month's to a caregiver. Ask the teacher to keep a log of when and how often your child pushes. WITH social coaching from her, his pushing should gradually lessen.

9. Express trust in your child's ability to cooperate THROUGHOUT your teaching process. For instance, after giving a child a limit, I like to say, "I'm confident you'll remember not to push. It just takes practice." Conveying your TRUST that your child CAN change and control his behavior expresses HOPE even when addressing an unpleasant behavior.

10. If your child doesn't respond to guidance on this issue, consider looking at the environment. Is it too chaotic or crowded and thus leads to pushing? Perhaps the environment could be rearranged to give toddlers more "personal" space. Are there too few "cause and effect" toys (like blocks, balls to bounce, toy cars to roll) to entice your child's interest?

Hope that helps, Karen

I've had children in my care tell me of major problems at home. I feel the parents need to know the child is aware and upset, but I'm afraid discussing this domestic problems with the parents might get the child in trouble or embarrass them.

Karen Stephens
On the child's behalf, please do alert the parents of his upset and knowledge of the problem. Parents often think they can "hide" issues, but kids are really too sensitive for that. I've even had parents tell me they were sure their children didn't know they fought (verbally and physically) because they only "did it" when the child was asleep. It's important for people like you and I to tell parents that RARELY do children sleep through such trauma. Children do need protection from domestic violence, and they do need help coping with the terrifying feelings and ideas domestic violence conjures.

So, move beyond the awkwardness. Also, don't immediately assume everything a child tells you is true. Kids sometimes do pick up scenarios from television, movies or play yard talks. But I always think it's best to "check out" a story for accuracy rather than leave a child alone to struggle with emotional issues.

When you meet PRIVATELY with the parent(s) tell them you feel a bit awkward, but believe they'd want to know what was on their child's mind. I'd also stress that you aren't trying to get a child in trouble, but are sharing the information in hopes of helping the parents see the child's point of view. If a parent asks your advice on how to follow up, use your best judgment and mention that you don't feel punishing the child for "telling" would serve any constructive purpose.

Karen Stephens
You are not alone in your feelings. I believe the root of those feelings stem from multiple factors.

First, most of us chose to work in child care or early education out of a desire to work with CHILDREN, not necessarily adults. We also tend to come to our field with a sense of mission and compassion for children in particular. I believe today's professionals, and those of the future, must find a mission in serving families as a whole.

I believe we need to broaden our professional skills so we enjoy and get intrinsic rewards from working with BOTH children and adults. It's not useful to help children in "isolation" from their family.

After all, we may have children in our program for only a few years. Parents will be children's support system for LIFE. And so, by helping parents be as skilled, strong, and compassionate as possible, we are IN FACT helping children in the most effective way possible for long-term growth.

Another fundamental difference between parents and early childhood professionals is our scope of concern. Parents are MEANT to be their child's advocate. They most often think PRIMARILY of their individual child's immediate needs.

In contrast, we early childhood care professionals must think of ALL the children's needs ALL at once. For instance, when one child is ill, we don't just consider the ill child's needs for recuperation at home, but also the other healthy children's needs to be protected from contagious illness. Cooperation between parents and staff is needed to resolve both. Parents and early care professionals CAN work out harmonious partnerships, but from somewhat different perspectives.

I also think we are working with a generation of parents who have had unique stresses. Their exposure to media violence, drugs and domestic dispute (and divorce) between parents has been high. Some of today's parents may not have had good nurturing, or even been held accountable for their actions. And many people haven't been taught how to treat others respectfully. When we work with the public as we do, we run into parents with a WIDE variety of social skill levels.

In child care, there are many things for which we must hold parents accountable—from paying bills to arriving on time each night. And so respectful conduct and working with an "authority" figure come into play. Some parents are at ease with those in positions of authority; others resist any authority.

If a parent had bad experiences with teachers or principals as a child, I also think that parent is more likely to treat early care directors and staff with suspicion and even fear. If a parent seems intimidated by staff, it's important to find multiple constructive ways to build trust. It's an on-going process. It's a fact of life that some parents need us to "convince" them that we are well intentioned rather than only interested in pointing out their mistakes.

My professional training is in caring for and encouraging the healthy development of young children. Why do I need to worry about communicating with and satisfying the needs of the parents of those children?

Karen Stephens
We in early care and education may have children in our program for only a few years. Parents will be children's support system for life. And so, by helping parents be responsive and competent parents, we are helping children in the most effective way possible for long-term growth.

Additionally, research confirms that parent involvement helps improve children's performance and experiences in school. I believe the same applies to child care. If we truly want children to flourish, we must be open to helping parents find their role in that goal.

I believe most parents do a good job of childrearing; however, there are many who need our coaching and role modeling to learn skilled, ethical ways of interacting with children. And certainly there are a lot of parents who don't know about developmentally appropriate expectations or practice. After all, WE had to be trained in it. And so, it's logical that parents need help understanding ages and stages, too.

I have some parents who never seem satisfied with anything I do for their child. The more I try to meet their demands, the more demands they have. Should I just ignore impossible parents?

Karen Stephens
I wouldn't ignore the "impossible to please" parents, but I would keep their requests in perspective. Attend to their requests as you deem feasible and reasonable. But keep in mind that when dealing with the public, we interact with people of all temperaments. (That's right, temperament is for life; not just childhood.)

Some parents will worry more. And some will demand more of your time; some will need more reassurance than others.

It's probably best that you and your staff become aware of your own boundaries and limits. For instance, a parent brought an ill child in pajama into my office and said, "She's sick, her doctor's appointment is at 11," assuming I would take her to the doctor. As you can imagine, my first reaction was shock.

I did gather my resources to explain the difference between group care services and a nanny service. I also took the opportunity to explain why it was important for a parent to be present during a child's doctor visit to give necessary input and get "first hand" instructions on treatment, medication, and such.

Keep in mind that some "hard to please" parents come from different cultures that handle childrearing differently. For instance, some cultures wipe children's bottoms for years even after potty training is complete. Those families don't believe it's unreasonable to ask teachers to do the same. It's a matter that requires discussion.

If you know you are dealing with a parent who always asks for more, try to be gracious by saying, "I haven't thought of that before, I'll take your suggestion into consideration."

Finally, there are some parents who may really just need to look for other child care. If my program never seems to please a parent, I'd be open to discussing the need to consider alternate child care that is a "better match" to their wants and desires. I know no director wants to believe that their program isn't the best for all kids; but in reality, how could child care be "one size fits all." It's too personal of a service profession for that.

My primary allegiance is to the children in my care, some of whom, unfortunately, have parents who do not appear to put their children's needs first, in my opinion (e.g., the child comes to school inappropriately dressed or hungry). How do I work with parents who I feel do not practice good parenting?

Karen Stephens
Role modeling and making information available are two things you can do. You can't force parents to change, but you can offer them opportunities to grow in their parenting skills if they choose to.

Also do your best to look for the parent's strengths, and to comment on them specifically, MORE than you think about their shortcomings. It's never easy to "walk" in someone else's shoes. There may be reasons for a parent's behavior you don't understand or will never know about.

When you have concerns, find confidential ways to discuss them with the parent. Some parents aren't good at problem solving at all; so they need our help. Yes, even if you think it's not "your job." If your mission is to improve the children's quality of life, coaching a parent is within reason.

One tough issue I faced was when a parent asked me to put her child on a "diet" at child care. The boy WAS a perfect weight and size for his age. I had to control my "knew-jerk" response of "Are you kidding?" and find a respectful way to discuss this. When I asked why she thought he needed to be on a diet, she said, "He's growing out of his pants too fast. I can't afford to keep buying new ones."

Once I knew her true concern, I told her how a diet could be detrimental to a growing child. I told her about local resources like Goodwill, and suggested she put up a note on the parent bulletin board to see if other parents would create a "clothing swap" with her. I did that in my role as director. I was surprised to have that issue confront me, but I'm glad I could avoid having the child's food restricted.

Whenever I talk to my parents about rate increases or paying for child care when their child is absent, there are always one or two parents who tell me they thought I was in this profession because of my love of children, not to make a buck. How can I convey that I am concerned with both—providing high quality care and making a living wage?

Karen Stephens
What a disrespectful way to be treated. I'm sorry a parent said that to you. It's never good to announce rate increases, but it is your PERFECT right. Parents using our services typically get a cost of living raise, and you, as an employed person, deserve the same.

Our profession can be "undervalued" by some parents, leading to resentment about a fee raise. Perhaps because they feel "anyone" can take care of kids. I believe the best way to be treated professionally is to conduct yourself professionally.

I wouldn't get into a debate over your right to raise fees. I'd be matter-of-fact in a letter to parents announcing the increase. I like to give at least 2 months' notice. Simply explain that to keep up with the cost of providing your services, rates will increase by a certain amount per week.

A way to look at this issue is prevention. Are parents clear your program is a money-making venture? For instance, do you have a signed fee agreement from the parent? Also, the best way to convince parents you care about high quality care is to offer a good program. "Walking your talk" is the best way to establish credibility.

I don't know why some parents think we shouldn't object to being underpaid just because we love our job and children. Of course we do. But it doesn't mean the job we perform isn't deserving of reasonable compensation.

I really would side-step getting into an argument as to whether you are "in it for the money" or not. It's not constructive, and doesn't deserve the extra energy you'd put into it. Do you know ANYONE who is employed and does not deserve to be paid adequately? I sure don't.

If a parent talks to you in such a way, I'd chalk it up to stresses they have in their own life which are beyond your control. Thankfully, 99% of parents value child care professionals ENORMOUSLY, and so it's best not to let the 1% put you into a negative attitude.

I have one child who has a personality change when his mother arrives at the end of the day. One minute he is playing cooperatively and calmly with others, and the next (when his mother arrives), he turns into a little monster—refusing to cooperate or comply with any of the program's rules. Since his mother is there, I hesitate to step in to set limits for his behavior. Typically his mother does nothing and leaves feeling frustrated and embarrassed. How can I help her feel more comfortable disciplining her child in my presence?

Karen Stephens
The circumstance you describe isn't unusual. I've never heard one definitive answer as to why children often "melt down" when parents come at the end of the day. Some believe kids are over-excited. Others believe they "trust" parents enough to let their exhaustion show. Some believe kids may be trying to "get back" at parents for leaving them for long hours.

Regardless, over the years, my staff and I have faced the issue. And we're often amazed at how passive some parents are about responding to their child's inappropriate behavior.

As we've discussed the issue, it seems that both children and parents believe the "teachers" are in control in the classroom environment. And so children see a good opportunity to "test" parents and staff. We've decided to enforce expectations for behavior when a parent fails to do so. Hopefully we are providing a good role model to learn from. And it doesn't let the child believe they have been "abandoned" just because parents and staff can't decide who should manage behavior.

We've determined that behavior at home is the parents' domain and behavior at child care is primarily the staff's domain. If a parent is too nervous, embarrassed, intimidated, or unsure about child guidance at pick-up time, staff will follow through for consistency's sake.

By the way, using this same logic we've been able to limit inappropriate parent discipline at child care. Once at pick up time a parent slapped her child across the face because his ball cap wasn't in his cubbie and he couldn't find it. You can BET we didn't want a repeat of that circumstance, so we worked on ways of preventing the problem.

In case you are wondering, I do ask parents NOT to spank their child at child care since it isn't one of our guidance strategies. And if parents ask our staff to "spank" children for "consistency's sake" between home and child care, we have described what strategies we'll use INSTEAD of spanking.

Tina
I have a 16-month-old in daycare. Whenever given the chance, he will bite the other children. Every child in daycare has been bitten by this child! The other parents are starting to get upset. I have separated the child but I hate to keep him isolated from the other children too much. What is the best way to handle the child and the angry parents?

Karen Stephens
Tina, start with documenting specific biting incidents, such as how often, and in what situations the child's impulse control weakens and leads to biting. Reflect on that documentation. Does biting occur at specific times of day or during specific activities? Are there enough engaging activities and resources in the room so children don't have to "bite" to get their fair share? Is your daily schedule too busy, rushed, overwhelming or confusing? All those questions can inform as to possible causes of the child's behavior.

Once you're assured your environment sets the stage for positive interactions, turn to coaching the child on alternatives to biting. PREVENTION is what you want to find. Observe closely, when you sense tensions building, go over and help model constructive verbal dialogue. Help children "translate" their emotions into language. You might also set the standard for the classroom. Do this SIMPLY according to an under-two's ability to understand: "Children need to be safe." You want to ROLE MODEL respectful ways to address others, whether in times of conflict or not.

When biting occurs, involve the aggressor in helping the bitten child, such as getting a wash cloth or an small ice pack (such as frozen wet sponge in a disposable ziplock baggie) for the bitten child to put on his/her hurt. Use facial expression and words to show that children may not bite others. Point out a bitten child's red face or tears to help the offender understand their biting truly hurts others. If biting continues, re-direct a child to play alone and say, "Calm down. Then play with us again without biting."

Whenever biting occurs, I recommend you let the parents of the children involved know about it. Cooperatively WITH the family of the offender, try to determine WHY a child may be biting. (It may be any of these causes: teething, experimentation, anger, frustration, imitation, need for attention, unusual stress, interest in being NEAR a child (even though biting is an anti-social way to achieve that), and biting is a also way for children to "get" something from someone else.

Be sure to reassure the parents of the bitten child you are well aware and prepared to deal with the issue. Specifically tell them what steps you are taking to teach ALL children alternatives to biting. AVOID namecalling any child "a biter," instead, emphasize it is a typical behavior many children experiment with, but eventually learn to control. Also tell parents how you are teaching THEIR child to stand up for themselves and avoid being bitten. For instance, after a biting incident, I tell children I'm sorry they were bitten and that they don't have to endure that. If they are verbal, I "coach" them in saying to an aggressor, "Stop, that hurts!" Helping CHILDREN prevent and handle biting is as important as us adults knowing how to do it for them.

Book resources that may help you:

• No Biting: Policy and Practice for Toddler Programs by Gretchen Kinnel; and
• So This Is Normal Too?: Teachers and Parents Working Out Developmental Issues in Young Children by Deborah Hewitt

Karen Miller and Jim Greenman both have written articles for Child Care Information Exchange on the topic of biting. You can access those at www.ChildCareExchange.com by going to "Article Archives." It allows you to search for articles by topic or author name.

If none of this information, or the strategies recommended in the resources I note, makes an impact on a child's biting, there ARE cases in which a child just isn't a good "match" for group care. If biting doesn't respond to guidance within a month, discuss with the child's parents the possibility of alternate child care arrangements. Perhaps this 16-month-old would do better in a small environment, such as child care home, OR even with an in-home caregiver. For some children, group care is just TOO stimulating and overwhelming. This is ESPECIALLY the case for children who have been prenatally exposed to harmful drugs or who are breast-fed by a parent using drugs. However, other problems with a child's nervous system or brain development may also exclude suitability for group care services—at least until the child is out of the infant and early toddler age.

I have a parent who instructs his child to fight back if he is ever bullied by other children. We have strict rules at our center about using words instead of fists. How do I respect this family's wishes while preserving our center's philosophy of using words to settle arguments?

Karen Stephens
This is a very sensitive issue for parents using group care. They don't want their child teased or hurt by others. No parent wants to think their child is being a "door mat" for other children.

In a conversation, I would explain to parents how you handle bullying and such at child care. I would also be honest in saying you would not encourage children to use fists for problem solving.

Children can learn that there are different expectations at home versus school or child care. Ideally, the same approach would be used; but that's not always the case.

Reassure parents that you'll do your best to prevent problems from blooming into altercations. However, I'd also explain that disagreements between children aren't always a bad thing. Such interactions give children the chance to try out ways to share, negotiate, cooperate, and find win-win solutions.

In general, I try not to get into the middle of children's disputes unless a child is being physically or emotionally harmed.

You probably won't change a parent's mind about teaching a child to hit back as a first resort. At child care you can still suggest children try other strategies as a first resort.

Consider sharing short articles with the parents on teaching social skills and problem solving. The parents may come to value your perspective that way.

The children in our program love to dress up and role play. We encourage this kind of dramatic play for all children. The parents of one of my little boys refuses to let him dress up in anything except masculine clothes. In fact, the parents were very angry one afternoon when they visited and saw their son wearing long beaded necklaces from our dress-up collection. How do I explain that letting children engage in "pretend play" is good for their development without insulting the family's views about "boy play and girl play?"

Karen Stephens
First, be proactive. Since our profession has so many females in it, I've always found dress up corners to be overflowing with women's clothes and very few male clothes. Gender is a reality. We can and should offer traditional male and female clothes.

In particular, try to stock you dramatic play area with as many "unisex" items as you can so children truly DO have choice. Vests, hats, briefcases, sport coats, snap-on bow ties, wristwatches, sunglasses, capes, boots, and kimonos can all be uni-sex.

There are also many fantasy items that can be used by both sexes: ballet dancer, astronaut, judge, hair stylist, etc.

Another "dress up" activity both genders occasionally enjoy is nail polish. Many parents vehemently don't want their son's getting their nails painted. But young boys often find the "ritual" fascinating because their much-loved mom paints her nails. Our teachers now offer a choice to all children: clear polish or colored polish. After all, men and women both get manicures. Only if a parent specifically says their boy can't wear colored polish (for personal or religious reasons) do we restrict the choice.

Even when uni-sex clothing is offered, some of "women's" fashions are just too fascinating for any child—boy or girl—to resist. Most in early childhood see this as an exploratory interest in dressing up, like Halloween costumes. However, some parents are certain it has implications for a child's—especially a son's—adult sexual orientation. When parents have told me they don't want their son dressing in "sissy" clothes, I suspect their fear is rooted in what they perceive as future implications.

We then explain that children have many choices in play. And we talk about nurturing creativity and a sense of "fun" in children. Again, a short article in your newsletter about the benefit of dramatic play can help parents understand its important role in childhood.

If a parent addresses the topic outright, we'll share what we know about children's healthy sexual development. I've never seen any research showing that dressing up in the "other gender's" typical clothing has any influence at all on sexual orientation.

One of the children (I'll call him Child A) in my center likes to play with one particular child (Child B), in spite of the fact that Child B often ends up hurting Child A. Child A then tells his parents that Child B hurts him. So the parents of Child A come to me and want to talk about Child B. They ask me why he does things like that, and so on. I am not comfortable discussing any child's behavior with anyone other than that child's parents, but I can understand why Child A's parents want me to do this. (Incidentally, they have told Child A not to play with Child B, but he goes right ahead and asks Child B to play, time after time.) What do you suggest I say to them?

Karen Stephens
When talking about Child B with the parent of Child A, keep the conversation on her own child. You can talk about coaching him in friendship skills or dealing with aggression that comes his way.

But you're right, it's not appropriate for you to explain Child B's psychological motivations or behavior to the parent of Child A. That's confidential.

We tell parents that children are allowed to choose their playmates at child care. And the children are encouraged to solve their own issues as often as possible. However, reassure parents that staff coach children's social and conflict resolution skills as part of good "whole child" curriculum.

State your policy of not restricting play mate choices; just as you would never dream of dictating an adult's. Also emphasize that children's disagreements are very fleeting; they have a much greater capacity for immediate forgiveness than we adults.

What you CAN do is assure the parent of Child A that you ARE addressing the issue of aggression and that you are committed to helping ALL children learn to deal with conflict without resorting to hurting others or outright violence.

There is another angle to consider. If Child A is often talking to mom about injuries, but still likes playing with Child B, perhaps he is complaining to mom as a bid for attention. Maybe he feels the best way to get mom's individual attention is by portraying himself as a "victim." If you suspect this, you could gently ask the mom to consider the possibility. The mother herself must wonder why her own child still prefers to play with his "rough" play mate.

One family in my program consists of a little girl and her two mommies. We have a policy of being welcoming to all families, and I'm okay with the family's arrangement, personally. But another family in the program objects to homosexuality on what they refer to as religious grounds, and they have let me know this, though they did not mention the other family by name. Now it seems to me that their son has started to "shun" the little girl. He moves away from her on the carpet or at snack if she sits next to him, and gives her an angry look. (She doesn't do anything to him.) I may have overheard him telling her that she isn't in a real family because there's no daddy, but they were far enough away that his words were not clear, and it could have been something related to their pretend play. She just walked away to another part of the room. I didn't want to ask him what he'd said to her in case I'd mis-heard. Should I go to either set of parents about the dynamics here? If so, what could I say?

Karen Stephens
Parents may object to gay partners raising a child based on their religious beliefs. However, if they choose to utilize a group care facility that serves people with diverse beliefs, they will need to be informed that intolerance should not be projected into the child care classroom.

I would think most compassionate and reasonable adults would understand that a child should not be held accountable for her parents' decisions or lifestyle. So if need be, speak to the parents openly saying you understand they may have concerns about the gay parents, but you fear their child has overheard their concerns and may be treating the little girl in question differently. I think most parents would agree that a young boy should not be exposed to his parents' judgments of another child's parents' sexual orientation. It's just beyond their grasp or understanding.

Focus on keeping an open focus about families. You'll teach more by your own actions, than anything you say. There are many children's books that can be displayed in your classroom that talk about "all kinds" of families. Continue offering family social gatherings that allow families to get to know each other as individuals. It's easy to judge a stereotype; harder to judge someone you actually meet and get to know.

As I'm sure you do as a matter of course, help ALL children in your program learn to teach others respectfully in word and deed. Comment often on the unique strengths, talents or ideas that ALL children regularly contribute to the class as a whole.

Regularly offer cooperative play activities so children have many opportunities to work in teams and small groups of two or more.

As advocacy for the gay parents' child, in a parent conference you might discuss how to prepare their CHILD for questions about having "two mommies." In a social world, she's bound to be asked about having two moms. And some child may ask if she has a dad at all. Children can respond with more clarity to either of those questions if they've been gradually prepared ahead of time.

There are parents in my program who think it's ridiculous that we don't spank the children. We still make it clear that that is our policy. But there have been times when one of the parents will pick up their child and if the child dawdles or talks back, the parent takes the child to the restroom and you can hear the child start crying. This seems to bother some of the other children. They look worried, and sometimes they say, "Ooh, is he getting beat?" Some of them seem just sort of interested but others seem to be afraid of that parent or even a little afraid of the bathroom. I'm guessing that the parent has pinched the child or done something else that hurts but doesn't make a sound. With some parents this happens quite a bit. It's really important to me that all the children feel safe here and I think the parents who are doing this may be making it harder for kids to feel like no one is going to hurt them here. What do you suggest?

Karen Stephens
I suggest you tell the parent what you just told me. Most parents don't want to be perceived as "scary" to other children. You DO have the right to say that corporal punishment can not take place on your premises; it's not only right—it's the law. (Okay, it's technically just the law that staff can't use corporal punishment; but I'd still consider it the law for ANY adult in the child care setting.)

It is your right, and responsibility, to make your classroom a safe haven for children. If you wonder what might be happening in the bathroom; just imagine what children might be thinking.

After you establish types of discipline that can take place at child care, focus on sharing information to help parents understand the rationale of not hitting children in order to 'make" them behave. I usually discuss a shared goal of most adults. We want children to cooperate with us not out of fear, but out of love and respect. Hitting rarely achieves that type of relationship.

There are many books on positive discipline parents can read. Easy to Love, Hard to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey is popular. Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is good, too.

If a parent won't commit the time to reading a book, find articles on positive discipline. I have some available in the Parenting Exchange Library at the Parent Resources section of www.ChildCareExchange.com. And of course, many of our early childhood professional journals address discipline issues.

A colleague told a story that disturbed me so much that I'd like to get some suggestions in case it ever happens in my program. One of the dads at her program was rough-housing with his son when he picked him up at the end of the day. Other kids thought this looked like fun and joined in. My colleague says it didn't seem dangerous, so she didn't ask the dad to stop; just reminded the children to get their stuff ready to go home, etc. The next morning she got a call from the parents of one of the kids who had been playing with the dad. The little girl had a broken bone in her wrist. The girl's mother said that when they asked her how it happened, she said the boy's daddy did it when they were playing. So the teacher talked to both sets of parents separately, as sort of a go-between. It got messy. (The roughhousing dad suggested that maybe the parents had hurt the child.) But apparently the little girl's parents decided it had been an accident and didn't do anything else. But I think they could have, if they had wanted to file suit.

So I have two questions: What would be a good way to redirect a presumably well-intentioned father to something other than spontaneous rough-housing? And what would have been the best thing to do with both sets of parents, as far as discussing the child's account of what happened?

Karen Stephens
This is a hard issue. We often want parents to participate MORE in our programs, especially dads. But sometimes we don't give them clear ways on how to be involved.

We know that in America, dads traditionally tend to interact with children more with rough-housing. At home it can be great, but in group care, it can have other implications. Injury is one, but inappropriate contact with a child is also a potential allegation for either gender.

To be pro-active, think of SPECIFIC ways you can invite parents—of either gender—to participate in your program, including field trips, observing, story-reading, lunch time, woodworking, active play like playing tag, etc. Include ACTIVE suggestions, not just quiet, sit down activities that traditionally women prefer.

Also make an effort to provide adult-sized furniture so all sizes of adults are comfortable in APPROPRIATE types of group play. When we put a traditional "porch swing" on an A-frame in our play yard, we found both moms and dads more likely to sit down and sing with two or even three children while enjoying a sunny day. Furniture arrangement can "suggest" play as well. For instance, an adult size rocker or glider near a puppet stand can create a setting that invites fun and constructive play between parents and kids.

Present your ideas for desired parent involvement at parent orientation as well as in your parent handbook and monthly newsletters. At the same time, be honest about types of interactions that are limited; just as you would with your staff.

For instance, we do know kids love rough-and-tumble play. So we have a wrestling mat and talk about "signs" kids can give each other when play gets too rough. If a child disregards the sign, they lose their chance to play at wrestling for a time.

I also staff our program so there is never just one adult left alone with children. I would apply the same policy to parents. Two people are necessary for emergencies, and they limit the opportunity for inappropriate contact between an adult and child.

All of those strategies could help prevent problems from arising from parent involvement. Best of luck.