They Said “No” … Now What?

Sometimes children can have a difficult time hearing “no” from a peer. Adults can help these children use communication strategies to become more resilient with their friends. 

Children say “No”

It’s okay for a child to say “no” to another child in the classroom, on the playground, or on a playdate. Young children have their own unique wants and needs. They are learning to express themselves and sometimes communicating well means saying “no” to something. This is setting a boundary. For example, a child may say “no” when asked if they would like to try a particular snack or if they want to hear a story read a second time. Also, children may say “no” when asked if another child can join in a puzzle activity. It doesn’t necessarily mean the child saying “no” is unfriendly or upset. It may mean the child is concentrating on their puzzle or wants to work alone for the moment. 

They said “No.” What’s Next?

It’s okay to hear “no” in the classroom. However, some children have a hard time hearing “no,” especially from a friend. Children may feel big emotions when hearing “no” like becoming upset, angry, or sad. Calming techniques, like deep breathing or taking a break, can help these children regain their composure.  

Young children may need coaching from a caring adult to help them try options to appropriately respond to hearing “no.” Approaches should be modeled together with an adult, before a child may feel confident using them all by themselves. These strategies can help a child develop resilience so they can play and communicate well with others. Here are some options: 

• Say, “Ok, maybe next time.” And move on to another available activity or toy. 
• Approach an adult for help. That way the child can get support from the adult to make some good choices and talk through the situation, with a goal of the child moving towards independence from the adult. 
• Say, “Ok, I will check back in five minutes.” Then have an adult help set a timer and when it goes off, allow the child a turn to join in the activity. It may be helpful, in this case, for the teacher to join in play to model how to play together successfully. 

Avoiding Exclusion

It is important for educators to note and observe when a particular child seems to be consistently excluded from play or activities with peers. In this instance, it may be helpful to read books about friendship and classroom community as a group. Talking about exclusion and how it might make us feel at classroom meeting time can make a difference. 

IEL Resource

• Resource List: Helping Young Children Resolve Conflicts