Fuss Management: Comforting the Irritable Child

You’re out in public with your toddler or preschooler when they start whining. Don’t panic. When you take a calm, problem-solving approach, you help your child learn to calm themself when they are irritable.

Look for what’s making your child irritable and try a quick fix.

• Your child is uncomfortable. They may be hungry, thirsty, tired, cold, hot, or need a bathroom. You might help them adjust clothing or diapers, seat belts, or straps. Feel your child’s hands, feet, and face to see if they need a jacket added or removed. Offer a snack and some water, or stop for a full meal. Make a bathroom stop. Change wet or dirty diapers as soon as possible.
• Your child is tired or coming down with an illness. They may sleep if you can help them get comfortable. If not, say, “I know you’re tired. You’ll be able to sleep soon.” Hug your child, sing to them, or tell a story.
• Your child is overwhelmed by crowds, new places, or wanting things they can’t have. Find a quiet place to help your child collect themself. Reassure them: “There’s a lot going on here, but we’re safe and we’ll be done before lunch.” Talk about things they enjoy: “You want those toys, and you don’t like to hear me say ‘No’. But we can talk about what you like about them.” A little positive attention can lighten their mood.
• Your child is worried because you seem stressed. If you’re tense, try to relax. Tell your child how you feel: “This place can be too much for me, too. I’m glad we’ll be home soon.” You might quietly sing songs you both enjoy. Make silly faces together or talk in funny voices.
• Your child is bored. Try giving them some jobs: “Please help me find a box of your cereal.” “Are your muscles strong enough to carry this for a minute? Let’s try.” If your child must stay in a car seat or stroller, draw pictures in the air with them or direct their attention to what’s going on around you. Hand your child a book or a toy. Talk with them about fun things to do later.

Keep in mind that your child does not enjoy fussing.

• Remind yourself that your child prefers to have a good time with you. They just don’t know how to do that at the moment.
• Take a deep breath or count to 10 to calm yourself first. Speak to your child in a friendly voice. 

IEL Resource

• Resource List: Challenging Behaviors