Using Words to Provide Positive Guidance

Here are some strategies to use when you want to shape your child’s behavior without yelling or being angry.

• Show that you understand your child’s wishes. 
  “I know that you want to stay on the playground longer, but…” or “I know that you want me to buy candy for you, but…” You can say no to an action without shaming the child for their reasons.
• Give a brief reason for declining your child’s request.
  Be honest, but let your child know you are fair and in charge. “It will be time for dinner soon, and I need to be home to get it ready.” “Candy may hurt your teeth.”
• Offer a solution or an alternative.
  Remind your child of expectations. Try saying, “Sand stays in the sandbox. Try letting it trickle through your fingers, or put it into the cup,” or “Keep your hands to yourself. Tell me in words if you’re angry, or hit your punching toy.”
• Remind your child that there are other choices.
  You can say, “Would you like to pick out a pack of fruit snacks or an apple instead?” or “We can’t stay now, but we can come back tomorrow.” Be consistent in following through on these choices.
• Express confidence in your child’s ability to make good choice.
  Speak respectfully, in tone and word, to your child. Consider saying, “I know how you like to help,” instead of saying, “Don’t bother me.” Instead of saying, “You always forget to wait your turn,” try saying, “I know you’ll remember to wait your turn next time.”
• Set limits and rules children can understand.
  Use a firm, kind voice, and keep directions short. You may need to repeat rules and directions until your child remembers them. “You may not watch that television program. You may turn it off, or I will do it.” “When you put your shoes on, we will go outside.” “Yes, I know you’re eager to go, but the car will not start until you are in your car seat.”
• Share as many happy times together as possible.
  Let your child know you enjoy being with them. Laugh, play, hug, and cuddle your child. Compliment good efforts even if the result isn’t perfect. Talk with and read to your child. Doing these things lets children know that they are important to you.

It takes time, readiness, and practice for children to learn to follow rules just as it does for them to learn physical skills or social skills. Learn more about typical behavior for your child’s age. Let them know that you are the leader and that you are there to help them grow.