Connecting with Parents: “But He Doesn’t Do That at Home”

Linda bites her classmates. Nate’s unkind comments upset his peers. Yet their parents seem surprised when you tell them you would like to find ways to help their child get along better at school. “That doesn’t sound like our child. We’ve never seen that behavior.” If this sounds familiar, here are some suggestions that may help when parents say, “He doesn’t do that at home.”

Trust what the parent says. The child may only act that way at school.

Keep in mind that a child new to a group setting is dealing with the stress of unfamiliar people, places, and schedules.
Remember that even children familiar with your program may still be working out how to interact with people outside their families.
Accept that the parents are puzzled. Ask them to help you figure out possible causes for the challenging behaviors.

Observe the child carefully and keep a written record of what you see.

Be specific: Exactly what does Nate do? What does he say? Note when and with whom incidents occur and what else is going on in the room at the time.
Share this record with the child’s parents, while maintaining privacy of other children in the classroom. Ask for their perspectives on it.
Be sure to focus on positive behavior as well as difficulties.

Invite the parents to observe the child in the classroom.

Give them chances to see the behavior that is causing concern. Then ask what they think about it.
Keep in mind that parents are more likely to be helpful when they see that the child’s behavior gets in the way of friendships or learning experiences.

Stay in touch with the family.

Let parents know that you value their views of their child. Show that you welcome their input in helping the child adapt to school. Express your confidence in the child’s ability to learn more useful skills for interacting with classmates.
Make a plan with the parents for addressing the challenging behavior. Ask for their suggestions again. Let them know what your goals are: “We want Linda to know that she can show feelings without biting. When the biting stops, other children will know she is a safe playmate.”
Let them know that you will keep them posted on their child’s progress. Find out if they prefer a phone call, a note, or an email message. Be sure to follow through with that communication.
Keep in mind that parents might be uncomfortable talking about their child’s behavior. Make sure they know you don’t blame them for what the child does. Your goal is to work with them to help their child succeed.